- * click top-right icon
Use the arrow keys or WASD to move, and space to interact.
- * click disk icon
Warning : this feature is experimental. Use it only if you're having stability issues and want to keep your place should the application crash. Save files are discarded when the browser is closed.
- * chest
You got some FIDUSPAWN CARDS! Gotta hatch em all!!!!!
Is advice you should follow if you want way too many fiduspawn crawling around. For safety reasons, the manufacturer recommends that you only hatch some.
> Talk to Rufioh.
MEENAH: sup nitram
> Ask Rufioh to join.
RUFIOH: oh, hey doll... you were gone a crazy long t1me...
RUFIOH: good to have you back, though... yo, that bomb stunt you pulled was some crazy sh*t.
#thought you were hatch1ng a sweet f1duspawn w1th that th1ng tbh...
MEENAH: wasnt no thang
RUFIOH: don't sell yourself short... 1 don't th1nk 1 could have done that. you're pretty gangsta, pe1xes.
MEENAH: yeah i know
MEENAH: hey lets stop talking about how badbass i am a minute and talk about you
#wanna axe you things
RUFIOH: shoot, doll...
MEENAH: those wings
MEENAH: you was hatched with em right
MEENAH: or i guess pupated them
#when you hit puperty??
RUFIOH: ha, yeah that's r1ght... 1'm a "m*tant"... don't tell kankr1 1 sa1d that! he's my boy, but you know how he's not down w1th l1ngo l1ke that...
#lingo like... #you know... #regular words
MEENAH: ug dont even say it he will like teleport into our conversation with ghost magic just to shoosh you
RUFIOH: yeah... he does that to you too, huh... that's some crazy sh*t!
MEENAH: ok so you always had wings then
MEENAH: then i guess you arent secretly a god tier or
RUFIOH: nah... m1ght have been cool to go full on rogue... hey, maybe you coulda g1ven me l1ke, steal1ng po1nters... what as a th1ef and all!
RUFIOH: but naw, 1 don't th1nk 1 could have gone through w1th that... not 1ntent1onally 1 mean...
MEENAH: what why not
RUFIOH: 1 don't know... k1ll1ng yourself, that's... a heavy th1ng to do. 1'm not l1ke you, meenah... 1 don't th1nk anyone 1s... well maybe damara 1s k1nda... but maybe we shouldn't go 1nto that, hahaha. let unhatched f1duspawn l1e, you know...
RUFIOH: what 1'm say1ng 1s, you got game... and 1 can d1g that... but 1 was never as brave as people always thought... 1 don't know why they always thought that about me. maybe 1t's my w1ngs or my mohawk... or when 1 shout bangarang somet1mes real loud? makes 1t seem l1ke 1'm the sh1t, w1th b1g self esteem... but my self esteem 1s noth1ng really to crow about... 1 dunno...
MEENAH: alright so you never god tiered but i still dont get somefin
MEENAH: didnt you have a totally fuckin stupid robot body at some point or did i just imagine that
MEENAH: that whole period of time in our session was reel foggy to me i guess because i was dead for a while there
#maybe i got the ghost madness #could SWEAR you was a metal horse tho
RUFIOH: no, the robot body was def1n1tely a th1ng... 1 k1nd of blocked that out of my memory too, haha... that was... that sh*t was someth1ng else, yo! crazy...
RUFIOH: 1'm sure you remember how all that started... back when damara and 1 were st1ll dat1ng... r1ng any bells?
MEENAH: fuckin megido
MEENAH: do we really need to rehash that ancient bullshit drama
#bull #lol #wait... #why dont you ever do bull puns? #FAIL
RUFIOH: no, no... heh, just say1ng 1s all... 1t was that whole th1ng... anyway, that's when horuss was k1nd of mack1ng on me, remember... and 1 wasn't all about to vac1llate w1th h1m and her cause 1 knew how she was... d*mn, so jealous... so f***1ng crazy...
RUFIOH: so she made me a cr*pple, remember?
MEENAH: tag that shit homie
RUFIOH: d*mn, yeah... 1 mean, she busted me up... couldn't move a muscle... well, could st1ll flap my w1ngs well enough, haha...
RUFIOH: really, 1 thought 1t would be alr1ght, just flapp1ng w1ngs around... 1 could st1ll fly and just hang there l1mp... m1ght have been a dope look!
RUFIOH: but nah... horuss thought better of 1t. bu1lt me the robo-bod, wh1ch was pretty t1ght...
#l1ke l1terally... #screwed that sh*t together T1GHT! #dude 1s good
RUFIOH: lost my w1ngs though wh1ch sucked... and k1nd of awkward just hav1ng a real guy's head on top of a b1g metal body and mak1ng all those d*mn legs move the r1ght way, you know... trott1ng 1s hard work yo.
#espec1ally on sta1rs... #}:(
RUFIOH: better than be1ng a cr*pple though. 1 mean a quadr1pleg1c, oops, haha... but 1 guess you d1dn't know what happened after that, s1nce you and damara were k1ll1ng each other and all...
MEENAH: no what
RUFIOH: well... 1 d1ed. yeah... but...
RUFIOH: that's l1ke... wow, long story... guess you never heard... 1'll tell you some other t1me, 1t's th1s whole crazy th1ng. but...
RUFIOH: 1 was dead, r1ght? and horuss k1ssed me back to l1fe... but just my head 1 th1nk... he was probably stand1ng on some mounta1n str1k1ng a pose l1ke a f***1ng gangsta, probably f1ght1ng a hoofbeast w1th a flam1ng mane and all...
#hope someone pa1nted that sh*t... #1nstant masterp1ece
RUFIOH: so yeah, next you saw me 1 had my normal body aga1n... 1t was cool of h1m to help me all the ways he has.
RUFIOH: and yeah, we went out, me and h1m... for a long t1me after that, k1nda off and on, even after we d1ed... 1n case you were gonna ask...
MEENAH: i wasnt
RUFIOH: r1ght... haha... too much 1nformat1on 1 guess? sorry doll.
RUFIOH: 1 always wanted to thank you for stand1ng up for me... you know, when she cr*ppled me... even though 1t cost ya... that was pure class, pe1xes, 1'll never forget 1t.
MEENAH: man i wouldnt have had to if you could just stand up for yourself sometimes
MEENAH: i mean being paralyzed notfishstanding
RUFIOH: heh... yeah... 1 guess...
MEENAH: you are the only guy in our group who was ever even close to being pretty cool
MEENAH: everyone else sucks but you were almost alright
MEENAH: you were always such a pushover though
MEENAH: pretty lame bro
#TW #CRIPPLE ENTENDRE #suck it
KANKRI: Excuse me. Meenah, "lame" is an a6leist slur, which in this c9ntext is REALLY inappr9priate. Tagging y9ur j9kes with "ir9nic" trigger warnings really d9es n9t excuse the 6ehavi9r. I'll thank y9u t9 refrain fr9m using such terms in the future.
#Als9, when walking, 6e careful n9t t9 flaunt the health 9f y9ur legs.
MEENAH: i probubbly shouldnt even ask this since youre not as brave as people make out with you to be
> Be Rufioh.
MEENAH: i mean make you out to be
#wait #what did i say? #nm
MEENAH: but would you want to come away with me to...
RUFIOH: whoa, man... not you too!!! ahaha...
RUFIOH: 1t's f1ne... 1t's alr1ght that you d1g me, 1'm flattered... you were just the last person who hadn't h1t on me yet... and 1 k1nda dug that about you, you know?
MEENAH: i wasnt asking you out dope
RUFIOH: oh... wow... sh*t! sorry, guess 1 got the wrong 1dea...
RUFIOH: 1t's just k1nd of a reflex, doll... you know? everybody h1ts on me all the t1me, and 1 don't know why... sh*t 1s crazy...
RUFIOH: just the other day, get th1s... some orange guy 1n a green sh1rt jumped out of some bushes and tr1ed to k1ss me... and 1'm l1ke whaaat... step off jolly man, haha...
MEENAH: maybe its cause youre a bishie ass glubberfucker with a kickin hawk
RUFIOH: yo, that's cool of you to say... you've got k1nda th1s otenba b1shojo th1ng go1ng on yourself, g1rl... your style rocks, 1 always thought you looked pretty slamm1n...
#1 could g1ve you mohawk dy1ng t1ps... #you'd rock the sh*t out of that look!!!
MEENAH: for what its worth
MEENAH: i would be your moe dere dere waifu in the beat of a pump biscuit
MEENAH: if i was remotely attracted to you or found your personality more appealing
MEENAH: and also if i shared your dumb passion for troll anime and didnt think it clogged massive blowhole
RUFIOH: ahaha, bangarang! that's a scenar1o 1'd be alr1ght w1th...
RUFIOH: no one really to talk to anymore about my stor1es, yo... s1nce th1ngs got so ch1lly w1th my ex...
MEENAH: goddamn witch
RUFIOH: seriously... she crazy...
RUFIOH: so what were you go1ng to ask me... uh, 1f not on a date?
#and 1f not what brand of mohawk dye 1 use?
MEENAH: never mind
MEENAH: youre not even gonna agree anyway cause this team suuuuucks
MEENAH: later ruf
RUFIOH: oh sh*t... you want to be me? ok that's pretty dope 1 guess.
RUFIOH: but can 1t wa1t? my lusus 1s m1ss1ng aga1n and 1 can't th1nk stra1ght w1thout h1m... he's my happy thought!!! haha...
RUFIOH: 1 hope damara d1dn't do someth1ng w1th h1m... she l1kes to f*** w1th me somet1mes by stash1ng the l1ttle guy somewhere... she's bonkers!!!
- * east across bridge to plush
It's a happy looking HOST PLUSH! It won't be so happy anymore if you hatch a FIDUSPAWN EGG near it. Maybe you'll be able to find some eggs in this area if you keep searching. Then the REAL fun can begin.
#You start humming the fiduspawn theme song.
- * chest
You got a BUSTED ROBOT HEAD!
There was a rumor going around that once, through an elaborate courtship process, Horuss sent Rufioh a robotic duplicate of himself to spar with, piece by piece. The last part he sent was supposedly the head.
That's almost certainly a myth. Horuss is a pretty strange dude, but he would have to be a total lunatic to do something like that. The anecdote strains plausibility.
- * east across bridge to chest
You got a pair of DUTTON BUBBLE GOGGLES!
You can see into infinity for eternity.
Just the way Charles Dutton would have wanted it.
> It's Mituna!
D'aw, looks like he's all tuckered out under the brain tree.
#Falling is hard work!
- * try gray chest
This chest appears to have an extremely complicated lock. There's no way you can open it. You'll need to find someone who's handy with gadgets.
- * back west, and south-east
> Talk to Horuss.
HORUSS: 8=D < Your Harness... I mean Hayness. Highness I mean.
> Ask Horuss to join.
HORUSS: 8=D < F*DDLEST*%. Please pardon my utterly e%ecrable language, and unforgivable stammering, your Horseness.
#Sh*ot! #I mean Hayness! #Whew.
HORUSS: 8=D < I am a bale of nerves in your royal presence, and it has been so long.
HORUSS: 8=D < And when I am so spooked, you must know how that causes me to even more firmly identify with the majestic hoofbeast.
MEENAH: hey uh
MEENAH: horuss what...
MEENAH: what the fuck is that thing youre prefixing all your talkin with
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh, this? What, you don't recognize it?
MEENAH: no and its weirding me out
HORUSS: 8=D < Why, it is my smiling face, you s*lly, utterly superior person, you. Goggles and all. Can't you see?
MEENAH: its disturbin as heck to me for whatever reason
HORUSS: 8=D < The last thing I desire is to disconcert our prodigal empress.
HORUSS: 8=D < I just thought I would try smiling permanently and uncompromisingly, rather than resnorting to all those disgruntled e%pressions I usually trot out.
#I've been cutting back on the horse puns too, as you can see.
MEENAH: why the eff would you want to do that
HORUSS: 8=D < It was on Meulin's suggestion, actually.
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh, I guess you must not have herd. She and I have developed quite a STRONG and stable moirallegiance recently.
#disclamer: #less impressed than i sound
MEENAH: that matchup makes no glubbin sense dude
HORUSS: 8=D < E%actly. Whoof would have thought? If you a%ed me before we all died whether I would consider romantically pairing with a r*d*culous midb100d, let alone Ms. Leijon of all people, I'd probably have died regardless, due to laughter-induced asphy%iation.
#If you're going to go #Go out with a smile #8=D
HORUSS: 8=D < But do you know what it was that finally cleared the sweat steam-induced fog from my goggles? It was meeting our post-scratch counterparts.
#Dancestors #Or shall I say #Dressagecestors?
HORUSS: 8=D < Seeing our corresponding young Alternians, why it threatened to produce a tear-induced f100d on the inside of my goggles.
#Which naturally I would drain right away through the custom sweat valves
HORUSS: 8=D < Their relationship in spite of the STRONG class disparity I found to be so moving, so pure. It made me reconsider my perspective on Meulin entirely, who horsenestly I'd hardly ever given a second thought.
HORUSS: 8=D < It's funny, don't you think? How our young ancestors took to a completely different social configuration, making for some rather odd pairings, both platonic and otherwise. A whole host of counterintuitive minglings, up and down the hemospectrum with no regard for class compatibility. And yet it all seems to make a strange amount of sense. Neigh, I might go as far as saying it's all oddly rather...
HORUSS: 8=D < T*tillating? Or no, perhaps what I mean is some of their Alternian indiscretions feel a bit, I don't know...
HORUSS: 8=D < Naughty?
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh ph**ey, that's not what I mean either. (Pardon my p*ttymouth.) Now you'll probably mistake me for some kind of r*scally deviant.
#My mouth is quite the l*ad g*per today.
MEENAH: man why yall still act like you give a heap of manure about dating down on the spectrum
MEENAH: you and nitram been a thing for how long now
HORUSS: 8=D < Yes, but no one was supposed to know about that!
HORUSS: 8=D < That was always to be my own private, um, e%ploration. I had no intention of creating such a stirrup.
#Though I have literally smithed such items before, pun notwithstanding.
HORUSS: 8=D < It was only to be a very private, fleeting dalliance with a BUOY, but the whole thing became so quickly scandalized.
#A spur of the moment affair, really.
HORUSS: 8=D < And soon others were whisked into it such as you and the vengeful rust b100d, and... well, imagine my embarrassment. Trust me, the last thing I wanted was for royalty such as yourself to know I was pursuing forbidden b100d. To be caught with my hoof in the chocolate jar, so to nicker.
HORUSS: 8=D < And I suppose I would have clopped my hands of the matter after the big k*rfuffle, but...
HORUSS: 8=D < I guess I didn't e%pect to fall in love.
HORUSS: 8=D < It's true. I am not ashamed to say it. I fell mane over hooves. Phantom snout over phantom hind quarters. He...
HORUSS: 8=D < He stole my breath away.
#With but a roguish glance.
MEENAH: wow life story alert do not care
HORUSS: 8=D < My apologies, your E%cellency.
MEENAH: just tell me why paling up with meu means you have to make that terrible face now
HORUSS: 8=D < She's taught me to get in touch with my anger. Through a moderately discernible series of enthusiastic mimes, she has made it clear that it is much healthier to crush all negative emotions beneath a stampede of positivity, and to always be cheerful and upbeat no matter what, even if projecting that facade is at times physically painful.
#Such as #All times.
MEENAH: that is some shitsauce advice and you should give it up homes
HORUSS: 8=D < Um, yes. Very well.
HORUSS: (;≧Д≦) < Is this better?
HORUSS: 8=D < Respectfully, your Superlative Magnificency, I do not think that would be advisable.
> Be Horuss.
MEENAH: whoa shocker of the centaury
#HORSE PUN #DIS GIRL #ON FIYA
HORUSS: 8=D < Of course, I will if you order me to without hesitation. But lately I've been attempting to canter down a trail of nonviolence.
HORUSS: 8=D < I've been saddled for so long with anger and hostility, and now my focus is on solving problems in ways that do not involve confrontation or physical STRENGTH.
#Soon I may even be able to say STRENGTH without shouting.
HORUSS: 8=D < Technology can solve so many problems, for instance. Do you have any idea how much energy is stored in sweat which may be released through its steam?
HORUSS: 8=D < Have you any clue as to the MIGHT of a quadrupedal automaton powered by raging currents of steam coursing through its e%quisite horizontal torso, and finally jetting through a perfect pair of metal nostrils? I could build as many as you like, my Empress.
MEENAH: um no think i will pass on taking an army of snorting horsebots with me
#unless you build those suckas out of gold
MEENAH: so thats all you do is build stupid shit that runs on your sweat now?
MEENAH: cause i could really use a guy with muscle
MEENAH: i dunno if you seen this skull dude but he is RIPP-ED
#kinda hot actually
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh no, that's far from my only preoccupation. I have also taken some time to perfect the art of humor.
HORUSS: 8=D < Would you like to hear a joke?
MEENAH: oh noes...
HORUSS: 8=D < A horse trots into a thirst shanty. His muscular shoulders slouched, his noble head hanging low.
HORUSS: 8=D < The dairyjerk observes that the great beast is clearly despondent, and asks:
HORUSS: 8=========D < Why the long face?
MEENAH: zahhak god damn it i am royally orderin you to stop doing that face forever
HORUSS: 8=o < At once, my lady.
HORUSS: 8o < My formerly perky visage withdraws, while my fully erect posture shrivels at your regal disapproval.
HORUSS: (ಠ益ಠ;) < I shall henceforth emote in my customary manner, as such.
HORUSS: ᕦ(ò д óˇ)ᕤ < Bring me a horse, and I am yours forever.
- * south-west, chest
You got some more BOONDOLLARS!
A little while ago you would have been pumped to score this dough, but now this is just pocket change to you.
You sneer with contempt at the pitiable sum of money and let it slip through your fingers to the forest below. Let the beggars and peasants scrounge for it, you say.
- * down steps south-west to grass, east to bubble
> Examine bubble.
This bubble contains Damara's memory of a huge quartz obstacle. Only she can remove it. Stinkin' witch. She never makes it easy, does she?
> Yeah I have no idea what I'm doing here.
Click the MAP link below the game for HOT TIPS!!!
- * back west
> Talk to Damara.
> Ask Damara to join.
MEENAH: here we are again
MEENAH: i guess
MEENAH: please tell me this reunion is as awkward for you as it is for me
MEENAH: not gonna say nofin huh
MEENAH: just going to stand there and leave me wrigglin on the hook during this frosty silence
MEENAH: come on you nutty bitch at least do SOM-EFIN to break the ice
MEENAH: T)(ANK you
MEENAH: hey you didnt by any chance kidnap nitrams lusus did you
MEENAH: or steal all his dorky fiduspawn loot
MEENAH: i thought we were past this
MEENAH: dont tell me youre still tormenting the guy even after eternity
DAMARA: あなたのデュアルフォークを取る。二回自分自身をファック。 [Take your dual fork. Fuck yourself twice.]
MEENAH: do what to myself twice with my double W)(AT exactly??
MEENAH: cod damn your weird accent is thick as ever
DAMARA: あなたに性的快感を与えるために十分な厚さではない。[It is not thick enough to give sexual pleasure to you.]
DAMARA: あなたはあなたの言葉で私を退屈続けるのだろうか？または。あなたは私の服を脱ぐのだろうか？ [Will you continue boring me with your words? Or will you take off my clothes?]
DAMARA: 私はあなたの歯の間に私の乳首を感じるようにしたい。[I want to feel my nipples between your teeth.]
MEENAH: did you just tell me to bite something or
MEENAH: screw it i give up
MEENAH: language barrier be a fuckin motherglubber
MEENAH: hey so guess what! im building an army to kill lord ahahahaha
> Be Damara.
MEENAH: S)(-ELL O)( S)(-ELL
#aka #sea lol
MEENAH: like you could give a fuck about saving reality and or wouldnt just be a huge backstabbin liability out there
DAMARA: 十分に公平。[Fair enough.]
MEENAH: but just for shits an cuttles uh
MEENAH: been sorta wondering
MEENAH: back when we like
MEENAH: kind of ruined each others shit
MEENAH: because of that whole cycle of revenge deal
MEENAH: and i ended up dyin and god tiering and all
MEENAH: remember that
DAMARA: 私が覚えている。[I remember.]
DAMARA: 時々私は、そのメモリに自慰行為。[Sometimes I masturbate to that memory.]
MEENAH: aight not sure i followed that but ill assume it was more weird skanky sass
MEENAH: but what i want to know is
MEENAH: after the fight
MEENAH: did i hurt you bad enough that you maybe
MEENAH: crawled off and died somewhere
MEENAH: like in a quest cocoon
MEENAH: were you maybe all bloodied up from all those forkins
MEENAH: and then maybe along comes a friend with a maddening inability to hold a grudge against you for the ways you fucked him over
MEENAH: maybe trotting along in his new robo horse body and swooped your bloody torso up on his back
MEENAH: galloped off to your cocoon and draped you on the slab while probly not havin the nerve to finish you off
MEENAH: this ringin any bells
#like the ones in your batty as fuck goddamn belfry?
DAMARA: 性交あなたは何を話している？白痴雌犬。[What the fuck you're talking about? Bitch idiot.]
MEENAH: IM AXING IF YOU AR-E A GOD TI-ER YOU INSCRUTABL-E FIS)(WIF-E
MEENAH: holy mackerel gettin info outta yous like prying a pearl from a slutty murderous clam
DAMARA: ハマグリは、真珠を生成しません。あなたは海の何も知らない。[Clam will not produce the pearl. You do not know anything of the sea.]
MEENAH: yeah i know clams dont make pearls!!! look i just misspoke it was a hasty burn ok
MEENAH: dont be calling out my authority on the ocean dmeg you know i got all watery junk on LOCK
MEENAH: who you think you tryin to rile up with that amateur noise
DAMARA: あなたは非常に怒っているように見える。性交をチルアウト。のはお互いに触れてみましょう。私と一緒に投石入手してください。[You seem to be very angry. Chill the fuck out. Let's touch each other. Please get stoned with me.]
MEENAH: omg i cant understand you
MEENAH: chill out and do W)(AT with you...
MEENAH: going to ask again as simple as i can
MEENAH: M-EGIDO AR-E YOU A MAGIC IMMORTAL TIM-E FAIRYWITC)( WIT)( S-ECR-ET BUTT-ERFLY WINGS: Y-ES OR NO
DAMARA: 正確にどのくらいの。あなたは知りたいですか？水のビッチ。[Exactly how much. Do you want to know? Bitch of water.]
MEENAH: if horrible conversations was a video game you would truly be last boss
MEENAH: now where the fucks aranea and her lil windbag stand lets just get this jam over with already
DAMARA: あなたは私になりたいですか？ [Do you want to be me?]
DAMARA: あなたは私にはできません。あなたは私を理解できない場合。[You can not be me. If you can not understand me.]
DAMARA: さらに。あなたは私にはできません。あなたは私を性交することができない場合。[In addition. You can not be me. If you can not fuck me.]
MEENAH: ummm yeah no idea what you said
MEENAH: guess someone who speaks your gibberish needs to ask
- * gray chest
What's that sound? You listen closely to the chest. You hear something flapping around in there. This thing looks air tight. Whatever's in there might run out of ghost oxygen soon.
Alas, this chest appears to have an extremely complicated lock. There's no way you can open it. You'll need to find someone who's handy with gadgets.
- * chest under the tree
You got some FIDUSPAWN EGGS!!!
You can go use one of these on the HOST PLUSH back there! It honestly sounds like a childish waste of time, but little do you know that Fiduspawn's key demographic is your age group. You are the suckerfish. It's you.
- * return north-east, north to host
> Use Fiduspawn egg on host plush.
Blech. What a disgusting, friendly mess. His sacrifice was not in vain though. He was brutally murdered from within, so that a new friend could be born.
#You hum the fiduspawn theme song while gently weeping.
- * visit newly hatched friend
What an utterly magnificent specimen. But if you train HORSAPONI hard enough, one day he may become HORSARONI. By which I mean, he will grow slightly bigger, and gain no measurable advantages in combat. You will however be required to feed him more.
> Take Horsaponi to Horuss.
- * duh, south-east
> Give Horsaponi to Horuss.
HORUSS: 8=D < You did it! You brought me a fine, young stallion!
HORUSS: 8=D < What a beautiful gesture of friendship. I am so f*dging happy, you have no idea.
HORUSS: （;≧皿≦） < Wh**ps, so happy, I have become loose with foul language, and forgot I wasn't supposed to make that face anymore.
HORUSS: (;¬д¬) < You are of course free to be me whenever you wish, my lady.
- * check in on friend
Dear, sweet, beautiful, dear, precious, sweet, sweet, dear, sweet HORSEAPONI.
> Talk to Meenah.
MEENAH: serious question
HORUSS: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ < Yes, my peerless, e%alted Eminency?
MEENAH: when did you decide you were a horse
KANKRI: H9ld up there, Meenah. The questi9n y9u just asked was in fact a severe micr9aggressi9n against th9se wh9 are stricken with deeply plightened feelings 9f species dysph9ria. Y9ur questi9n was inn9cent en9ugh, s9 I'm n9t a69ut t9 g9 d9wn the peril9us r9ad 9f trigger shaming, 6ut Meenah, my g99dness, what y9u just said was catastr9phically triggering. P99r H9russ here will likely feel triggered f9r weeks 6ecause 9f y9ur th9ughtless questi9n. Hell, even I'm feeling a little triggered 6y it, and I'm n9t even under the impressi9n I'm a h9rse. I think every9ne within earsh9t was triggered 6y that. Y9u feel triggered, right H9russ?
HORUSS: (ｏ皿ｏ;) < Trigger sounds like a wonderful name for a hoofbeast.
KANKRI: See? T9tally triggered. N9w let's let the healing 6egin.
KANKRI: Meenah, his 6elief that he is actually a majestic h99f6east is n9t characterized 6y ch9ice. In fact, it is n9t even a 6elief. It is a FACT, which we must strive t9 respect as FACTUAL, in n9 small part due t9 his hyperimp9rtant feelings a69ut it. Tail9ring factual reality ar9und pe9ple's critical feelings is a c9rnerst9ne 9f Pr96lematics, and failure t9 d9 s9 can 9nly result in the release 9f devastating payl9ads 9f c9rrecti9nal w9rds depl9yed t9 educate, heal, and rhet9rically 9verwhelm.
KANKRI: When y9u asked "when did y9u decide y9u were a h9rse," y9u implied that he made a ch9ice t9 craft this feature 9f his identity, as 9pp9sed t9 listening carefully t9 the fauna within, heeding the call 9f the l9ng, gh9stly sn9ut his 69dy has tragically denied him, whilst feeling the su6tle tingling 9f his phant9m h9rsey p9steri9r.
HORUSS: 8=D < So true, friend. Your wisdom truly transcends your degenerate, mildly nauseating mutant b100d.
KANKRI: Thank y9u. N9w, y9u kn9w h9w I hate t9 derail c9nversati9ns, 6ut I think this 9ccasi9n calls f9r a th9r9ugh, unrelenting educati9n 9n the t9pic. And n9w I shall 6egin my crushing harangue 9n this delicate su6ject, as thusly:
*KANKRI: so much red text*
KANKRI: 6lah 6lah
HORUSS: Omg yes
MEENAH: sneak away
- * north-west, north-east, to gray chest
You got a PRICELESS WORK OF FINE ART!!!
You spend a few moments solemnly contemplating the artistic merits of the splendid classical sculpture.
- * Horuss holds enormous blue artwork, pixels obscure an area to its right
Hang on, don't move. The pixelation is missing its mark...
- * try again...
Damn it! Still not quite right... ok, hold your horses.
- * the pixels finally cover the artwork
Perfect! Whew, crisis averted. That was a close call.
You very nearly caught a glimpse of a horse penis and began to cry.
- * back to Damara
> Talk to Damara.
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh, hello Damara. I heard you were having a mechanical issue with your chest over here. Mind if I take a 100k?
> Be Damara.
DAMARA: あなたは私の胸をいつでも表示することができます。[You can view my chest at any time.]
HORUSS: 8=D < I... think you said yes? Sorry, I really struggle with your coarse lowb100d accent.
DAMARA: 私のおっぱいの上にミルクを注いでください。[Please pour milk on top of my boobs.]
HORUSS: 8=D < I didn't quite understand that either. Something about milk? Served to you in a particular way?
HORUSS: 8=D < Yes, if you would like some milk, I can bring you some later. I'll just need to equip my steam powered deSTRENGTHening gloves so that I may hand you the glass without shattering it.
DAMARA: ない。手袋を着用しないでください。私はそれがラフ好きです。私の体を押しつぶす。馬男。[No. Please do not wear gloves. I like it rough. Crush my body. Horse man.]
HORUSS: 8=D < I really need to finish my universal translation device so we can have a more coherent conversation. It's just so difficult to get the circuitry to function correctly when one insists on relying on steam power.
DAMARA: あなたは、幽霊のような私の性器が性的クライマックスを持っていることを確認してください。あなたの幻の馬のペニスでそれを行う必要があります。[You, please make sure that my genitals ghostly have a sexual climax. You must do it with your phantom horse's penis.]
HORUSS: 8=D < You want me to bring your what to what e%actly with my what?
DAMARA: 私の裸の底にあなたの汗まみれの顔をこする。[Rub your sweaty face on the bottom of my naked.]
HORUSS: 8=D < Hmm. I...
HORUSS: 8=D < Sure?
DAMARA: 私はあなたのアジアの女子高生です。ズタズタに私の服を減らすことができます。あなたは私を喜ばせる必要があります。あなたのホーンを使用してください。[I'm your Asian schoolgirl. You can reduce my clothes to shreds. You need to please me. Please use your horn.]
HORUSS: 8=D < Do what with your schoolgirl uniform?
HORUSS: 8=D < I wouldn't want to do anything to ruin it. It's quite nice.
HORUSS: 8=D < But perhaps I could craft a robotic avatar for you, emulating your fashion choices. Actually, if I did that, I could install more sensible speech algorithms, so that I could understand you for a change.
DAMARA: 静かにしています。黙って私をファック。[Keep quiet. Fuck me in silence.]
HORUSS: 8=D < Um. *Cough.*
DAMARA: 私の体内に入る。または。私はあなたを破壊するだろう。[Go into my body. Or. I will destroy you.]
HORUSS: 8=D < Damara, forgive me if I'm leaping to conclusions, but has the nature of your cryptic remarks been leaning... well...
HORUSS: 8=D < A little b100?
DAMARA: あなたは私になりたいですか？ [Do you want to be me?]
DAMARA: あなたは私にはできません。あなたは私を理解できない場合。[You can not be me. If you can not understand me.]
DAMARA: さらに。あなたは私にはできません。あなたは私を性交することができない場合。[In addition. You can not be me. If you can not fuck me.]
HORUSS: 8=D < Come again?
HORUSS: 8=D < I suppose Rufioh should ask. He's always been the only one who can parse your vulgar, peasant tongue.
- * gray chest
You got RUFIOH'S LUSUS!!!
The poor little guy is gasping for breath. Who could have locked him in here? Who could be so cruel?
You glance at Damara suspiciously. She doesn't bother to look at you, and takes another drag.
- * return to Rufioh
> Talk to Rufioh.
RUFIOH: hey man. oh, heh... st1ll mak1ng that face 1 see...
> Give Rufioh his lusus.
HORUSS: 8=D < Yes, I really enjoy making this face. It really helps remind me through persistent facial discomfort that appearing to be happy should always be one's top priority.
HORUSS: 8=O < Why? You don't find it displeasing, do you?
RUFIOH: um... no... 1t's uh... yeah, 1t's alr1ght horuss. the look 1s really, uh... someth1ng else. wow.
HORUSS: 8=D < Really, I could stop making the face. Meenah recently ordered me to stop making it in her presence, and I of course instantly complied. I would just as readily do the same for someone as important to me as you.
RUFIOH: err... haha. that's cool... but yeah, that's f1ne. really 1 can d1g the look, 1 guess. just do whatever you're feel1ng w1th 1t...
#except for maybe #po1nt1ng 1t at me so much...
HORUSS: 8=D < Rufioh, your affable malleability continues to be your finest quality. It is the jewel in your mohawk. A true diamond in the Ruf. You always were the ideal embodiment of your aspect, as pleasantly wayward and fickle as The Breeze itself.
RUFIOH: yeah... uh... thanks. 1 should probably try to work on that though...
HORUSS: 8=D < Of course. We always strive to hone our craft, ever pounding at the iron to make the shoe a perfect shape. I know well how much work it takes.
RUFIOH: no, 1 d1dn't mean, l1ke... be MORE l1ke that... 1 mean... uh, sorry to 1nterrupt... go ahead?
HORUSS: 8=D < My path was similarly governed by my aspect. For the longest time, I felt as if I was a blank sheet of paper. Like I had to make myself out of nothing.
HORUSS: 8=D < And so I began to listen closely to the void within myself and corral the various personal attributes I herd calling to me.
HORUSS: 8=D < Much like assembling a comple% machine, I began to piece together a STRONG identity, which of course included discovering a passion for mechani% itself.
HORUSS: 8=D < And needless to say, what also galloped out of the void in my soul was the realization that I am obviously a noble hoofbeast, though my physical appearance cruelly betrays this fact.
RUFIOH: hey, uh... horuss... 1 th1nk...
RUFIOH: we need to talk.
RUFIOH: 1 mean, when you get a m1nute...
HORUSS: 8=D < And in following sweeps I would keep turning my mechanically augmented, acute equine ear back to the abyss within, and continue to discover more about myself. I would learn that I was more complicated than I ever imagined. More complicated than any mortal mind could understand a person to be.
HORUSS: 8=D < Knowing myself to be hoofbeastkin was only grazing the surface of the pasture. Merely skimming the cream from the top of the milk. I was so much more.
RUFIOH: 1 th1nk maybe we should l1ke...
RUFIOH: uh... see other...
HORUSS: 8=D < It turns out my body was merely the host to a highly intricate system of entities of any sort you could name, biological or mechanical, sentient or nonsentient, physical or metaphysical. My inner field of e%perience is shared by the souls of ancient legendary musclebeasts, a range of devices such as hivehold appliances, a number of cosmological features such as planets, star systems, even several universes, and a variety of abstract concepts which sentient beings have not yet formed the language to e%press.
RUFIOH: l1ke... don't get me wrong... we had some good t1mes together... 1t's been great really...
RUFIOH: but maybe 1t's t1me to uh... 1 dunno.
HORUSS: 8=D < But as much as I learned about myself, I could never find a way to become whole.
HORUSS: 8=D < The void was never filled until you came along, Rufioh.
RUFIOH: wow man. that's...
HORUSS: 8=D < If there is any lesson I would like people to take from my story, it is a lesson that is a multiple system consisting of two distinct lessons.
HORUSS: 8=D < The first is how love heals all wounds, even ones consisting of the infinite essence of void permeating your entire e%istence and role as a legendary hero.
HORUSS: 8=D < The second is how if you are faced with any crisis of identity whatsoever, it's really important to do your best to manufacture esoteric features of your personality and believe in them very STRONGLY and tell people about those things as frequently as possible.
HORUSS: 8=D < I can assure you right now, the labor involved in smithing my personality into one that is interesting and complicated was rather intensive.
HORUSS: 8=D~~ < I really worked up a good sweat in the process.
HORUSS: 8=D~~~~ < (That is the sweat dripping from my face.)
RUFIOH: hey... yo... that...
RUFIOH: that's some freaky sh*t dog!
HORUSS: 8=D < Anyway, I apologize for talking so much. You know how you have a way of drawing the breath out of people.
HORUSS: 8=D < What were you trying to tell me?
RUFIOH: oh... yeah.
RUFIOH: never m1nd.
RUFIOH: oh SH*T! you found h1m... thank you so much!!!
RUFIOH: 1 was so worr1ed... but now he's back, and so are my happy thoughts.
RUFIOH: got all k1nds of conf1dence now... heh, you wanna be me? my self esteem can totally accommodate that yo!!!
> Talk to Horuss.
RUFIOH: yo yo, horuss my gangsta, how you feel?
RUFIOH: can 1 get a way gentle f1st bump from my boy? heh, yeah... just l1ke that... f*ck yes.
#actually that st1ll k1nda hurt...
RUFIOH: anyway 1've been mean1ng to talk to you about someth1ng... someth1ng uh... pretty 1mportant.
RUFIOH: about us and the future and all that... you got a m1nute?
RUFIOH: ok, cool. so... d*mn... where do 1 even start...
RUFIOH: you know we've had noth1ng but good t1mes together... 1t's been the bomb.
RUFIOH: well, maybe not everyth1ng... sh*t got d1cey at the start... w1th my crazy ex and... yeah. that's not the po1nt.
RUFIOH: remember the way you used to be... before you all started be1ng 1nterested 1n me... man you thought 1 sucked! haha, just another lowblood not worth your t1me.
RUFIOH: you were so p1ssed at people l1ke me and damara... so angry, damn. sh*t was scary... and damara... she used to be n1ce as can be... dunno what happened there. talk about a personal1ty sw1tch... for both of ya...
RUFIOH: but then for whatever reason... 1 guess you wanted to reach out to me? 1 mean... 1n secret, 1 know. you d1dn't want to be all shamed out of your h1ghbrow CIP club, 1 could always d1g that. 1 understood, you know?
RUFIOH: so you came to my woods... never told anybody... we hung out. that meant a lot to me. 1 want you to know that.
RUFIOH: people always had crazy 1deas about me. l1ke 1 was th1s brave adventure guy all up 1n th1s forest be1ng a bad*ss and sh*t. people l1ke... they always wanted to be w1th me, or... maybe even wanted to BE me? 1t was all k1nd of whack... even damara when we were go1ng out d1dn't really get me, 1 th1nk... she put me on th1s pedestal, 1 mean, back before she snapped.
RUFIOH: but you saw me for who 1 was. wh1ch was... not a perfect guy.
RUFIOH: l1ke, 1 wasn't really sure about myself, and you saw that... so you actually helped me.
RUFIOH: when we were 1n the woods together, you taught me to f1ght... taught me to fly... taught me to crow!
RUFIOH: well, not l1terally. 1 mean... 1 knew how to do those th1ngs. 1 knew techn1cally how to flap my w1ngs and fly through the a1r. 1 knew how to say "bangarang" all loud 1f 1 really wanted to... but that was the th1ng. 1 was scared! 1 was scared of fly1ng and fall1ng... 1 was scared of f1ght1ng and fa1l1ng... and 1 was scared of crow1ng and... sound1ng l1ke a f***1ng 1d1ot 1 guess! lol...
RUFIOH: but you helped me not be so scared, or self consc1ous maybe... you just helped me be myself. l1ke... to just be ok w1th not be1ng perfect, or l1v1ng up to whatever people th1nk 1 should be.
RUFIOH: maybe 1t's just nostalg1a... there was someth1ng better about those t1mes... just you and me ch1ll1ng 1n the woods. but then we entered the game.
RUFIOH: and for some reason... st1ll don't know why... damara just started go1ng a l1ttle more nuts every day... gett1ng more and more jealous when she knew we were hang1ng out...
RUFIOH: then she found out 1t was more than just hang1ng out... and 1 guess the rest was h1story.
RUFIOH: and yada yada... then we all d1ed... and we been together ever s1nce. all th1s t1me as ghosts...
RUFIOH: wh1ch 1s... a long t1me, you know?
RUFIOH: and 1'll always be grateful for what we had together... but... 1 guess people change.
RUFIOH: even as ghosts, they change, 1f you g1ve em long enough... they start want1ng d1fferent th1ngs...
RUFIOH: aw man! 1'm go1ng about th1s all wrong... say1ng way too much, but not what 1 want to say... sh*t, haha.
RUFIOH: 1 should just use the bravery you helped me understand 1 always had, and just say 1t...
RUFIOH: 1 th1nk we should break up.
RUFIOH: you ok, bro?
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh! I'm sorry, what did you say?
HORUSS: 8=D < My ear valves filled up with sweat, and I didn't catch most of that.
HORUSS: 8=D < Hey, why don't we participate in an enjoyable activity together later, as romantic afterlife partners? We could play one of those foreign card games you seem to like. What's that one called again? Fiddlespoon?
RUFIOH: um. yeah... we can do that... 1 guess. that sounds... uh... dope.
HORUSS: 8=D < I know I'm not the best partner to share your e%otic and somewhat childish interests with, but I do my best to try to understand them and enjoy them with you. The most important thing is that we spend time together, and maintain a STRONG relationship.
- * return to Meenah
> Talk to Meenah.
RUFIOH: d*mn... thank god 1 got my lusus back... dunno what 1'd do w1thout the l1ttle guy!
MEENAH: is he even uh
MEENAH: ya know
MEENAH: like the ghost of your actual lusus or
RUFIOH: er... know what? not sure, doll!
RUFIOH: he could just be a memory f1gment or someth1ng l1ke that. or maybe he's really h1s ghost...
RUFIOH: when damara acc1dentally dropped a hunger trunk on h1m way back... crushed h1s l1ttle body... 1 always dreamed 1 m1ght meet up w1th h1m aga1n 1n the afterl1fe.
RUFIOH: so when 1 found h1m here... guess 1 d1dn't th1nk about 1t much? 1 was just happy to see h1m.
RUFIOH: he 1s my happy thought after all. 1 can't really br1ng myself to do much w1thout h1m... l1ke fly... f1ght... crow...
#you know... the bas1cs?
RUFIOH: 1 remember when 1 was young... just a l1ttle runt out there try1ng to make 1t 1n the world... people would look at me funny cause my w1ngs were grow1ng 1n, and that really freaked people out yo!
RUFIOH: so 1 got way self consc1ous and d1dn't feel at home out there... w1th everybody eye1ng me up l1ke that...
RUFIOH: so one n1ght my lusus led me 1nto the woods...
RUFIOH: and 1 found th1s whole baller v1llage of f***ck1n tree houses and rope ladders and 1 was l1ke D*MN!
#shouted bangarang SO LOUD you don't even KNOW!
RUFIOH: that's when 1 became an off1c1al member of the lost weeaboos.
MEENAH: hey ok so...
MEENAH: can we not actually talk about the lost weeaboos
MEENAH: can that just be not a conversation we have
MEENAH: ruf listen your storys cool but theres some junk thats just so silly i cant even try to abide
RUFIOH: yeah 1 guess... heh.
RUFIOH: but anyway, they were my boys... a better posse you couldn't hope to ch1ll w1th, k1ck the sh*t on troll an1me... all that.
MEENAH: aw fer glub sake
RUFIOH: f1rst bumped 1nto damara out there... crazy t1mes!
RUFIOH: 1 th1nk those were format1ve sweeps for me... learned to love a lotta th1ngs 1 st1ll do to th1s day.
RUFIOH: between you and me... 1 m1ss the days 1 could just jam w1th her about troll an1me... but now... you know how 1t 1s...
MEENAH: ok why do you stinkin nerds insist on calling it troll anime
MEENAH: i gotta ask
MEENAH: dont you realize prefacing anything with 'troll' inside the context a troll culture is redundant as fuck
MEENAH: why dont you just call them cartoons
RUFIOH: yeah... 1 d1g that. never thought about that... huh.
RUFIOH: 1t's ok, 1 get that the stuff 1 l1ke 1sn't for everyone.
RUFIOH: people say 1t's just for w1gglers... and 1 k1nd of assumed one day 1'd grow out of 1t, but guess 1 never d1d?
RUFIOH: then aga1n... we all d1ed... and now we really are all young forever...
RUFIOH: just l1ke the prophecy of the lost weeaboos sa1d...
RUFIOH: whoa spooky... 1 always thought that was a load of bs!!!
MEENAH: whoops you just said lost weeaboos again thus failing the conversation
MEENAH: in the immortal hand gestured words of the late great meulin leijon:
MEENAH: IM SO DON-E
- * and on to Damara
> Talk to Damara.
RUFIOH: hey doll... don't suppose you had anyth1ng to do w1th the recent d1sappearance of my lusus, d1d you?
> Be Damara.
DAMARA: もちろんそんなことはない。あなたの告発は言語道断。 [Of course there is no such a thing. Your accusation is outrageous.]
RUFIOH: yeah... sure... l1ke 1 bel1eve that!
RUFIOH: l1ke 1'm not so on to your tr1cks by now...
DAMARA: 黙れ。そう。あなたはまだ彼と別れたのですか？ [Silence. So. Are you broke up with him yet?]
RUFIOH: no... not yet...
RUFIOH: 1 tr1ed... but 1 just couldn't do 1t... 1t's hard, you know?
DAMARA: あなたは、どういう意味ですか。それは恋人があなたを裏切ったときに感じる？はい、私は知っている。[Are you mean? It feels when the lover has betrayed you? Yes I know.]
RUFIOH: d*mn... so cold, g1rl. why can't you let the past go?
RUFIOH: anyway... once 1 actually do get up the nerve to break 1t to h1m... don't be th1nk1ng th1s 1s your b1g chance w1th me!
RUFIOH: 1t's over between us for good... k1nda for obv1ous reasons... so just fr1ends, you d1g?
DAMARA: 右。我々が表示されます。[Right. We will see.]
RUFIOH: haha... yeah, 1 f1gured you'd be l1ke that.
RUFIOH: anyway, meenah k1nd of needs to keep go1ng through th1s bubble... 1 know you l1ke to make sh*t d1ff1cult for everyone all the t1me, but...
RUFIOH: you th1nk you could get r1d of that b1g *ss 1ceberg th1ng you dropped there?
DAMARA: いいえクソ方法。[No fucking way.]
RUFIOH: aw, come on... do 1t for me, damara?
DAMARA:罰金。しかし、あなたは私に借りがある。性的な接待。[Fine. But you owe me. Sexual favors.]
RUFIOH: hahahaha... wow... alr1ght uh... maybe? just go...
- * east to the bubble
> Remove quartz glacier
- * east into new room...
- * east and north to closed door
> Examine door
Wait... there's something different about this door. You think it might be a real door! It's not someone's memory, like the rest of this place is.
The meteor must be physically passing through the dream bubble again. You'd love to get in here and snoop around somehow, but the door is password protected. There's got to be someone around here who knows the password...
- * east to the rainbow drinkers
PORRIM: Damara, do+ yo+u mind? We're having a private co+nversatio+n here.
PORRIM: Please. Leave us alo+ne. We'll talk later, o+k?
KANAYA: (shes making me slightly uncomfortable)
PORRIM: (that's her specialty. just igno+re her until she go+es away.)
- * back west, return to Rufioh
> Talk to Rufioh.
RUFIOH: gotta be honest damara... 1 been feel1ng pretty bad...
DAMARA: なぜですか？ [Why is?]
RUFIOH: um... you can keep a secret, r1ght?
DAMARA: はい、もちろん。私はあなたの友達です。[Yes, of course. I am your friend.]
RUFIOH: 1t's horuss... and you know... been th1nk1ng about break1ng 1t off w1th h1m...
DAMARA: 何を壊す？彼のホーン？ [What you break? His horn?]
RUFIOH: hahaha! naw... that wouldn't do much good...
RUFIOH: 1 mean... 1 feel l1ke a chump for even th1nk1ng about 1t... he's been so cool...
RUFIOH: but d*mn! etern1ty 1s a long f***1ng t1me!!! 1 dunno 1f a relat1onsh1p should really last that long...
DAMARA: あなたのセックスライフはどうですか？ [How is your sex life?]
RUFIOH: whoa, uh... k1nda personal quest1on? anyway that's not 1t...
RUFIOH: 1 feel gu1lty for say1ng so... 1'm just not 1nto 1t... so many repet1t1ve dates over the m1llen1a... so much l1ke... talk1ng about l1vestock and b1g muscular an1mals and... 1 dunno. those aren't really my 1nterests...
RUFIOH: maybe we were never that compat1ble and 1 just never had the guts to say so?
DAMARA: RUFIOH 。私はあなたにこのことを告げた。毎日。永遠に。[RUFIOH. I told you this thing. Every day. Forever.]
RUFIOH: 1 know, 1 know... 1 d1dn't l1sten to you... 1 f1gured you were st1ll all mad and jealous!!!
DAMARA: 私は怒って嫉妬した。[I was jealous and angry.]
RUFIOH: r1ght... 1 just don't know what to do.
RUFIOH: he's great... but he's so cl1ngy! 1 don't know how he keeps that up after all th1s t1me... dude's got stam1na... 1'm just l1ke... romant1cally exhausted. you get me, doll?
DAMARA: はい。愛が私には死んでいる。ので、誰かがずっと前に、心臓を介して私を刺した。[Yes. Love is dead to me. So long ago, someone stabbed me through the heart.]
RUFIOH: heh, touche.
RUFIOH: but for real... 1 just don't want to hurt h1s feel1ngs...
DAMARA: あなたは私が彼を殺したいですか？再び？ [Do you want me to kill him? Again?]
RUFIOH: no!!! god, no... don't hurt anyone... let's not go there aga1n!
DAMARA: 私が彼を誘惑したいですか？ [I want to seduce him?]
RUFIOH: er... 1 guess 1f the two of you are l1ke... um. that's really between you and h1m? not sure he would go for that... anyway, 1 don't th1nk that would actually help me...
DAMARA: 私は彼の魂を消費するために悪魔をもたらすでしょう。[I'll bring the devil to consume his soul.]
RUFIOH: man, no! 1 told you, please don't feed anyone's soul to ANYBODY!!!
RUFIOH: you've got to keep crazy talk l1ke that down, damara!
RUFIOH: 1f people knew some of the sh*t you sa1d... how you say crazy sh*t l1ke you want to serve h1m... f***!
RUFIOH: 1t wouldn't be cool... people would fl1p...
RUFIOH: h*ll, d1dn't you hear meenah was try1ng to ra1se an army to k1ll h1m?
RUFIOH: 1f she could hear some of the th1ngs you told me... sh*t... 1 can't ever let her f1nd out...
RUFIOH: 1f she knew, you'd both start f1ght1ng aga1n...
DAMARA: あなたは必然だけを遅らせる。[You're only delaying the inevitable.]
DAMARA: 私たちの終了時間が近いです。[The end of our time is near.]
- * visit Horuss
> Talk to Horuss.
DAMARA: これ以上のゲームはありません。馬男。今私をファック。[There are no more games. Horse man. Fuck me now.]
HORUSS: 8=D < E%cuse me?
DAMARA: HORSEAPONI またがっ私を曲げる。あなたは私がハードファック。HORSEY スタイル。[I bend across HORSEAPONI. You fuck me hard. HORSEY style.]
HORUSS: 8=D < Oh! I see you've taken an interest in this fine, albeit diminutive steed given to me as a gift earlier.
HORUSS: 8=D < Isn't it wonderful? I shall feed it many an apple and it will grow to be STRONG.
DAMARA: 私にリンゴを養う。その後、私の髪をつかむ。あなたはチャンピオンのように私に乗るだろう。[Feed me apple. Then, grab my hair. You will ride me like a champ.]
HORUSS: 8=D < I don't... do what with your horns? Ride what, now?
DAMARA: のバケツを埋めることができます。その後、内容がスプラッシュ。私の体の上にすべての。次に干し草の山に私を投げる。[You can fill the bucket. Then, the contents of the splash. All over my body. Then throw me in a pile of hay.]
HORUSS: 8=D < You want me to... something about... hay? Hm.
DAMARA: 私はあなたのホーンを吸うことができます。同時に、あなたは私のお尻を平手打ち。リズミカルにそれを行う。また。いななく。[I can suck your horn. At the same time, you slap my ass. Do it rhythmically. Also. Neigh.]
HORUSS: 8=D < You would like me to perform... what rhythmic behavior, e%actly? While making which animal noise?
DAMARA: 私のすべての反復をファック。性的エクスタシーを体験する私たちのすべてを引き起こす。私たちは一斉にオーガズムましょう。[Fuck my all iterations. Cause all of us to experience sexual ecstasy. We try to orgasm in unison.]
HORUSS: 8=D < Do what with... wait... all of you? Wouldn't that be quite a lot of Damaras, regardless of the activity you are trying to describe?
DAMARA: 清潔なタオルで私を包んでください。私は農場の動物のようにうめき声をしなければならない。[Please wrap me with a clean towel. I must moan like farm animals.]
DAMARA: 私の足の間に腹立たしそうに鼻を鳴らす。私は殺された子羊のように悲鳴を上げるでしょう。[Snort angrily between my legs. I would scream like a lamb that was killed.]
DAMARA: 私たちは一緒に私たちのお尻を持ってみましょう。共通のオーガズムに参加。すべての終わりでは、私たちを取り囲んでいる。[Let us have our ass together. Participate in the common orgasm. At the end of all that surrounds us.]
HORUSS: 8=D < Trying to decode your speech is quite agitating, you know.
HORUSS: 8=D < Whenever I talk to you, my system gets a little switchy.
HORUSS: 8=D < I begin to faintly channel an ancient soul from Alterniasia, and I come very close to understanding you. But then it vanishes just as quickly, and my host vessel is left with nothing but an overwhelming e%perience of perspiration.
HORUSS: 8=D < Not that I would e%pect a lowly rust b100ded singleton like you to understand.
DAMARA: もっと私を低下させる。私はほとんどそこにいる。[Degrade me more. I'm almost there.]
- * go to where Mituna is
> It's Mituna!
LATULA: h3y d4mz!!!!
LATULA: 1f you go 4nywh3r3 n34r h1m, 1 w1ll fuck1ng k1ll you!
- * and finally to Meenah
> Talk to Meenah.
DAMARA: あなたは時間の領主に挑戦します。[You challenge the lord of time.]
> Be Meenah.
DAMARA: あなたの哀れな軍隊は失敗しなければならない。[Your pathetic army must fail.]
DAMARA: 彼はあなたの幽霊を食べるようになる。彼は現実そのものを消費するからである。[He will eat your ghost. For he consumes reality itself.]
MEENAH: i think...
MEENAH: it sounded like...
MEENAH: youre tryin to wish me luck in my upcoming battle?
MEENAH: hey thanks megido
MEENAH: maybe i had you all wrong
DAMARA: ない。あなたはそうしなかった。[No. You did not.]
MEENAH: aw ive probably been a bitch to you for no reason
MEENAH: lets forget all that shit ever happened
MEENAH: hey how about a hug
MEENAH: whoa watch where youre puttin that hand!!!
DAMARA: 私は何も後悔はありません。[I do not regret anything.]
MEENAH: apology accepted
MEENAH: hey you get around to moving that huge quartz glacier yet
MEENAH: kind of in a hurry here
- * go back around and west passed where the glacier was
- * there's a chest
You got an EAST BEFORAN SCROLL!
It is covered in mysterious runes. If only there were some way for laypersons to translate this absurd gibberish.
- * west to the rainbow drinkers...
> Listen in on conversation.
PORRIM: Ah, seems we have co+mpany. Guess we sho+uld wrap this up!
> Ask Kanaya for password.
PORRIM: I'm very happy yo+u came to+ see me. I ho+pe yo+u'll bear in mind what I said.
KANAYA: Yes I Surely Will
KANAYA: And Im Happy Too
PORRIM: Yo+u have impo+rtant wo+rk ahead o+f yo+u. The legacy o+f o+ur race is in yo+ur hands.
PORRIM: I kno+w yo+u will make me pro+ud.
KANAYA: Okay Thank You
MEENAH: aw snapperfish its popo merrygams and maryam lookalike kid
MEENAH: water you ladies glubbin about over here
KANAYA: Nothing I Was Just Leaving
MEENAH: oh yeah where to
MEENAH: back into your meteor right cause thats where im headed
MEENAH: cant get through the door tho
MEENAH: can i get your password
KANAYA: Pardon Me
MEENAH: come on
PORRIM: Meenah, what are yo+u do+ing? Do+n't hassle her fo+r private info+rmatio+n. It's rude.
MEENAH: COM-E OOOOON
MEENAH: im being nice about it
KANAYA: Are You Actually
MEENAH: im fuckin smiling aint i???
KANAYA: Well I Was Going In There Anyway
KANAYA: I Wont Give You My Password But You Can Follow Me I Guess
KANAYA: But You Can Only Remain As Long As Im Escorting You
MEENAH: da fuck
KANAYA: Because I Dont Trust You
MEENAH: aw man
MEENAH: but im cool
MEENAH: you should wise the fuck up and start thinking im cool
KANAYA: Youre Right With A Sales Pitch Like That I Would Have To Be An Imbecile Not To Crave Your Company
MEENAH: what you got against me maryam clone
KANAYA: I Think Youre Probably A Sociopath
KANAYA: Ive Given Enough Of My Time To Such Characters In The Past
MEENAH: you got me all wrong girl
MEENAH: what i gotta do to make you my frond maryam the sequel
KANAYA: My Name Is Kanaya!
MEENAH: aight aight kanaya it is
MEENAH: some day ill come up with a good fish pun way of saying that
MEENAH: thats how you know our shit will be TIG)(T
MEENAH: just lead the way ill be well behaved and win you over
MEENAH: YOULL S-EA
> Talk to Porrim
PORRIM: Let's stay in to+uch, Kanaya. Co+me lo+o+king fo+r me in yo+ur dreams any time yo+u like.
PORRIM: And be sure no+t to+ let that o+ne to+o+ far o+ut o+f yo+ur sight.
MEENAH: scrod dammit
MEENAH: kids got no respect for royalty these days and i about haddock up to here
PORRIM: Please. Yo+u aren't even mad. Yo+u just wanted an excuse to+ use mo+re fish puns.
MEENAH: merrygams stop bein such an astute judge a character
- * to the door
> Enter password.
- * north to a new room...
- * north up the steps, north through the little room, chest
You got a CAN OF EARTH TAB!
The mayor had a couple of these stowed in his rags for safe keeping. He has decided to store them in chests now, which unbeknownst to him are the opposite of safe keeping.
You crack it open and chug it. You are overwhelmed by the intense rush of sugar. This high will surely last for hours.
a product of the Coca Cola Company
Serving Size 1 can
Amount Per Serving
Calories : 0 Calories from Fat 0
% Daily Values*
Total Fat 0g 0%
Saturated Fat 0g 0%
Cholesterol 0mg 0%
Sodium 40mg 2%
Total Carbohydrate 0g 0%
Dietary Fiber 0g 0%
Total Carbohydrate 0g 0%
Dietary Fiber 0g 0%
- Sugars 0g
- * west, and north into another room...
> Examine snoozing Karkat.
Hey, it's your newly recruited Grand Threshecutioner! Looks like he hasn't woken up from the same nap he was having last time you talked to him. The guy must have been really tired.
Why's he sleeping in this massive pile of horns? That can't be too comfortable. Maybe you should wake him up. Then as long as he's awake, might as well see if he's ready to pack his bags and head off to war.
Hold on. Maryam is eying you suspiciously. She isn't on to your plan, is she? How could she know? This girl is really cramping your style. You'd try to shake her loose, but as a rainbow drinker she seems to have an absolutely insane fastness attribute.
KANAYA: Whatever Youre Thinking Dont Even Try It
MEENAH: wasnt thinkin nofin
KANAYA: Lets Keep Moving
- * back south, round to west, up steps north-east to chest
You got a BOONBUCK!
Ok, you can't even pretend to be excited about this. You get the feeling that whoever was stocking these chests just started running out of treasure assets.
You put the phoned-in item back in the chest. But a little later, Meenah sneaks back over here, takes the boonbuck, and stashes it in her nautically themed, hot pink clam shell shaped purse, which we have never seen her rendered with, but is totally is something that exists in the most canonical way possible. There, now you know.
- * back west, south, round to another chest
EEEUUUGHH MORE TROLL BLOOD, WHY???
As you prepare to lob it into the dark shaft below, you catch a whiff of it. Hold on... it smells... fruity?
You guess it was a false alarm. This appears to be some form of delicious juice. Your bad.
- * round south, east, north up purple carpet to rug area, there's a chest below steps in north east
You got an EMPTY BOTTLE!
You guess... you'll just kinda...
Put it over there with the other bottles.
- * up steps and round to east, another chest
You got a...
Hey what even is this thing?
Whatever it is, you got it.
- * back down steps to the rug rats
> Talk to Rose
ROSE: What happened!
> Talk to Dave.
ROSE: You're not glowing anymore!
KANAYA: Oh Right
KANAYA: I Became So Absorbed In A Conversation With My Ancestor I Already Forgot She Taught Me How To
KANAYA: Switch Off
ROSE: Oh, so you did go talk to her?
ROSE: That's great! How did it go?
KANAYA: Very Well
KANAYA: She Is Very Nice And As A Person Is As Impressive As I Was Imagining Her To Be
KANAYA: But Not Nearly As Intimidating Really
ROSE: I knew you wouldn't regret it if you got up the nerve to talk to her.
ROSE: What did she say, besides a few vampire-to-vampire skin-dimming pointers?
KANAYA: Many Things
KANAYA: Primarily Encouraging Me To Pursue My Prior Obligation To My People
KANAYA: She Said She Used To Eschew Her Role Rather Vehemently
KANAYA: The Duties Of Our Caste Were Quite Limiting In Both Worlds It Seems
KANAYA: So She Renounced Them Completely And Wanted A Different Life
KANAYA: But She Also Said Something To The Effect That
KANAYA: She Found That It Wasnt Really Necessary To Reject That Role Completely
KANAYA: And The Same Is True For Me
KANAYA: As Long As I Know Within That I Am Free
KANAYA: And If My Decision Is To Embrace My Path Then It Can Be A Source Of Strength
ROSE: Then you want to try to restore your race again?
ROSE: I had begun to think you'd lost hope in that possibility.
KANAYA: Its True Theres No Orb Anymore
KANAYA: She Said It May Be Very Difficult
KANAYA: But Theres No Hope If I Dont Try
ROSE: That's true.
KANAYA: I Dont Know How Im Going To Do It Yet
KANAYA: But Such Is The Nature Of Adventures
KANAYA: You Cant Be Scared Of Adventures
KANAYA: I Think Im Excited About It Now
ROSE: I can tell.
ROSE: We can work on it together when we arrive. Maybe the session we're about to explore will offer some answers.
KANAYA: I Hope So
ROSE: You aren't permanently de-glowed now, are you?
KANAYA: Oh No I Can Flip It Back On
KANAYA: Turns Out Its Just
KANAYA: A Silly Biological Parlor Trick
ROSE: Oh, good. You had me worried there for a moment.
KANAYA: I Know How You Enjoy A Good Source Of Light
ROSE: Light is one of my favorite things.
ROSE: Please don't take these as fighting words, but my aspect is simply the best there is.
> Be Dave.
DAVE: wait whats going on
DAVE: is the meteor passing through another dream bubble
KANAYA: Hence The Ghost Who Is Following Me
DAVE: what you dont talk now?
DAVE: you were pretty spunky before what happened
KANAYA: She Is Exhibiting Her Best Behavior While On This Tour
KANAYA: Shes Actually Doing Very Well So Far
DAVE: ok whatever
DAVE: so what are we just not even bothering to care anymore when we pass through dream bubbles now
DAVE: like no warning or alert or getting into our facetious battle stations or anything
DAVE: eh who cares actually
DAVE: i probably wont even leave the room this time
DAVE: getting a little bored of ghosts actually
DAVE: no offense sea troll
MEENAH: (hornless dirtscraper)
KANAYA: So What Were You Just Mumbling Over Here Before I Interrupted You
DAVE: oh just some raps
DAVE: been working on my raps
DAVE: youve heard my raps right
DAVE: want to hear some raps
DAVE: wait do you know what rap is
DAVE: its this fly human tradition where you drop a beat and talk hard
DAVE: if the flow checks out and your rhymes are dope enough then the police start unholstering their guns
DAVE: they cant help it its like reflexive
DAVE: thats how you know youre doing it right
KANAYA: I Know What Your Raps Are Theyre Basically The Same As The Ancient Artform Of Alternian Slam Poetry
KANAYA: But More Primitive And Generally Involving Less Lyrics About Towering Muscular Livestock
DAVE: slam poetry
DAVE: why didnt you tell me about this
KANAYA: I Dont Know I Dont Really Have Much Interest In The Subject
DAVE: yeah but
DAVE: it should have come up
DAVE: wait now that i think about it
DAVE: i remember some weird troll was rapping at me once
KANAYA: Well There You Go
DAVE: but i mean we could have been talking about rap all this time
DAVE: you and me i mean
DAVE: it would have come up i think if we talked more
DAVE: kanaya we should talk more we dont really talk enough
DAVE: like really just
DAVE: get down to fucking business
DAVE: just the two of us
DAVE: all conversationally and such
DAVE: really like
DAVE: flesh out this dynamic
DAVE: see whats THERE
DAVE: we goddamn WILL squeeze blood from this stone
DAVE: this awkwardly quiet ghost troll as my witness
KANAYA: If You Are Successful In Extracting Blood From The Geological Material In Question Can I Have It
DAVE: aw man
DAVE: kinda semi self deprecating vampire jokes this is a good start i like it
KANAYA: I Dont Know How Sincere Youre Being Dave
KANAYA: Probably Only Somewhat Since The Rule Is That Everything Has To Be At Least Partially A Joke Right
DAVE: yes exactly
KANAYA: But If You Actually Want To Converse And Exchange Views On Our Respective Cultures Then Okay I Guess Thats Fine
KANAYA: I Might Be Able To Dig Up Some Classic Texts By Some Famous Slam Poets
DAVE: oh man yes
DAVE: that would be so fucking perfect
KANAYA: Ok I Will See What I Can Do
DAVE: youll have to read the troll gibberish to me
DAVE: itll be just like storytime with karkat
DAVE: kanaya edition
KANAYA: Heh Sure
DAVE: but youll have to rap the words
DAVE: pump up the bass and slaughter the mic
DAVE: i want to goddamn FEEL that slam poetry
KANAYA: Is It Too Late To Back Out Of This
- * go back to the horn pile room
> Examine snoozing Karkat.
So many horns. You've always wondered what the elusive juggalo troll even needs with so many horns? You think he may have some sort of problem. Also what is with trolls and their weird tendency to be found sleeping in horn piles? You can't even imagine a less comfortable place to nap. There are some things you will never understand.
> Talk to Karkat.
KARKAT: OK, THIS IS JUST FUCKING STUPID NOW.
KARKAT: I'M ASLEEP, BUT I GUESS THE METEOR IS PHYSICALLY PASSING THROUGH THE BUBBLE I'M DREAMING IN?
KARKAT: AND NOW MY "DREAM PHANTOM", OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS VERSION OF YOURSELF, IS ACTUALLY IN THE SAME PHYSICAL LOCATION AS MY SLEEPING BODY.
KARKAT: I'VE JUST BEEN STANDING HERE WATCHING MYSELF SLEEP ON THE HORN PILE. IT'S OFFICIAL. WE'VE BREACHED A CRITICAL THRESHOLD OF BULGE NUMBING IDIOCY.
KARKAT: WHAT DO WE EVEN CALL THIS DREAMING INSTANCE OF OURSELVES? IT CAN'T BE "DREAM SELF" BECAUSE THAT'S ALREADY A THING. AS IN THE VERSION OF YOURSELF ON DERSE OR PROSPIT.
KARKAT: BUT THAT WAS MORE LIKE A PHYSICAL, REAL SELF, THAT JUST HAPPENED TO SERVE AS A BACKUP LIFE. THIS IS SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT, LIKE A WEIRD HOLOGRAM.
KARKAT: HEY, AM I TANGIBLE TO YOU?
KARKAT: TOUCH ME.
KARKAT: JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE POKE.
KARKAT: DON'T BE LIKE THAT, JUST MAN UP AND TOUCH ME. MAYBE JUST BRUSH MY CHEEK GENTLY WITH THE BACK OF YOUR HAND. SOMETHING UNAMBIGUOUSLY PLATONIC LIKE THAT.
DAVE: no fuck you
DAVE: im not caressing your dream hologram
KARKAT: YOU HAVE A REALLY TRAGICALLY UNDER-INQUISITIVE MIND, DAVE. THIS IS FOR SCIENCE. IF SCIENCE WAS UP TO YOU, HUMANITY NEVER WOULD HAVE COME ANYWHERE CLOSE TO RISING TO THE LEVEL OF PATHETIC INFERIORITY IT WAS BARELY ABLE TO ACHIEVE AS IT WAS.
DAVE: you look really tired man
DAVE: your sleep phantom should curl up with your napping meat torso in the horn pile and try to score some shuteye
KARKAT: YEAH, WELL MAYBE I'LL DO JUST THAT, ASSHOLE!
DAVE: hop to it
KARKAT: NO. NOT WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING.
DAVE: our conversations can be so embarrassing
DAVE: im so glad we manage to have most of them in private
KARKAT: ME TOO
- * return to the rug room
> Talk to Kanaya.
DAVE: (you shattered the ring but theres more cracks in your rap)
> Talk to Rose.
DAVE: (ima top off your glass cause devastations on tap)
DAVE: (wait no)
DAVE: (your act couldnt suck more dick with a puppet in your lap)
DAVE: (puppet... man where that come from)
DAVE: (you shattered the ring but theres more cracks in your rap)
DAVE: (your flows like warm milk that goes good with a nap)
DAVE: (haha yes)
DAVE: (shit lets be rails ill be the shoosh to your pap)
DAVE: (wait that makes no fuckin sense)
DAVE: (naw ill stick with the milk one)
DAVE: (yall claimin to be the lord of time)
DAVE: (all ya makin me feel is bored with your rhymes)
DAVE: (thats ok i guess)
DAVE: (still feel like i should work puppets into this)
DAVE: (no idea why)
DAVE: (what rhymes with puppets)
DAVE: (dave no thats the same fuckin thing)
DAVE: (what the fuck)
DAVE: (the only thing that rhymes with puppets is different kinds of puppets!!!)
DAVE: hey uh
DAVE: how much of that did you hear
KANAYA: By The Tenor Of The Question Ill Assume More Than You Would Prefer
DAVE: all that shit was a work in progress
DAVE: aint fit for hype yet
DAVE: why you gotta be eavesdroppin
KANAYA: I Wasnt
KANAYA: I Was Just Standing Here And You Slowly Wandered Over In A Totally Oblivious Stupor
KANAYA: You Were Mumbling Your Rhymes And Walked Right Up To Me And Did Not Notice Me Until Now
DAVE: was i
DAVE: sorry i guess i just got caught up in my raps
MEENAH: do more!
DAVE: i cant those rhymes are still too rough around the edges
MEENAH: come on
DAVE: no itll suck
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: i could freestyle a bit i guess
DAVE: i dont know if i got a live performance in me now
DAVE: maybe it could work if someone dropped a beat
DAVE: need a good beat i could probably kill it with a fly beat
MEENAH: aheh hem...
MEENAH: dum dum PS)( ba dum dum PS)(
#no wait wait...
MEENAH: chum chum FIS)( ba chum chum FIS)(
DAVE: awwwww yeah
DAVE: that fish beat is the shizzle
DAVE: thats what i am TALKING about
DAVE: alright settle down motherfuckers here we go
KANAYA: They Then Proceeded To Have One Of The Most Ambiguously Rated Rap Offs In The History Of Paradox Space While I Stood By And Regarded It Neutrally
DAVE: rose quit all the clanking around over here i cant concentrate on my raps
> Be Rose.
DAVE: what in the sweet religious name of jesus h dick are you doing with all these bottles
ROSE: Just a little alchemy.
DAVE: what kind of shitty thing are you alchemizing with this crap
DAVE: are you alchemizing bottles with other bottles to make like
ROSE: No. Believe it or not, I'm actually focused the contents of the bottles.
DAVE: youre a pretty good hike from the alchemiters
ROSE: The alchemy I'm practicing is a little more old fashioned.
ROSE: You know, there was a time on Earth when alchemy didn't refer to a process whereby a large device used game constructs to materialize some idealized version of an object out of thin air.
ROSE: Alchemists used to experiment with various substances to transmute them into something more valuable.
ROSE: Its more pedestrian and scientifically credible cousin would be chemistry, which I guess is the technical term for mixing shit together.
ROSE: Which strictly speaking more accurately describes what I'm doing.
DAVE: so what your doing science now
DAVE: who do you think you are your mom
DAVE: wait that sounded like lame burn again
DAVE: every time i talk about your mom it sounds like a burn
DAVE: who do you think you are my mom
DAVE: wait scratch that
DAVE: every time we start talking about her as my mom things just start snowballing down our dumb conversational ski slope and suddenly sigmund freud and king oedipus start banging each others hot moms at some kind of depraved sexy momswap party
ROSE: Thanks for the imagery. It was almost as graphic as it made no sense.
DAVE: so what are you making
DAVE: beverages what kind of beverages
ROSE: Tasty beverages, I hope.
DAVE: apple juice???
DAVE: please let it be aj please let it be aj please let it be aj
ROSE: I'll see what I can do.
DAVE: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yes
- * visit the hornpile room
> Examine snoozing Karkat.
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ," Karkat said from atop the towering heap of hilarious clown accessories.
> Talk to Gamzee.
ROSE: You better not let Kanaya find you in here.
ROSE: She still hates you, you know.
ROSE: And not in "that way." I think she still truly would like to kill you.
GAMZEE: yeah, i all up and motherfuckin know that already.
ROSE: I've wondered, doesn't it ever get confusing? Trying to differentiate between platonic, malicious intent, and gestures of black romance?
GAMZEE: like i'd even give a dayglow chainsaw bitch like that on my time of day up in any quadrant.
GAMZEE: BESIDES, ALREADY GOT MY BLACK ROM ON WITH ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER.
GAMZEE: been dating somebody in the motherfuckin shadows. getting pretty nasty between us. all experiencing the shit out of the dark miracle called hatebliss.
ROSE: Wait, really?
ROSE: Not... the Mayor???
ROSE: Are you serious?
GAMZEE: do i mother fucking look like i'd motherfuckin joke around with a mother fucker?
ROSE: I can't even parse that relationship as something meaningful.
GAMZEE: IT'S SIMPLE.
GAMZEE: mother fucker.
GAMZEE: SHE ALL GETS ON HER HATE OF ME QUITE UNDERSTANDABLY, SEEING AS TO WHAT A VILE PIECE OF CLOWN ASS TRASH I'M ALL IS.
GAMZEE: but doesn't quite hate me enough to want to kill me. :o)
ROSE: This is a really startling revelation, I must say.
ROSE: It's a game changer.
GAMZEE: please don't all tell at this noise to anyone.
GAMZEE: IF KARKAT MOTHER FUCKIN KNEW ON THIS...
GAMZEE: he actually would want to kill me. :o(
ROSE: Yes, I can see the dilemma you're in.
ROSE: Your social dynamics really begin to get complicated once your quadrants start to fill up, don't they?
GAMZEE: MOTHER FUCK YEAH THEY MOTHER FUCKING DO.
ROSE: Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.
ROSE: Now shoo. Back into the ventilation system with you, before you're spotted.
- * return to the rugs
> Talk to Dave.
DAVE: whats up with the fish punk troll following kanaya around
> Talk to Kanaya.
ROSE: Seems she's passing through. Kanaya doesn't want her to cause trouble.
DAVE: cause trouble
DAVE: what the fuck could she even do here
DAVE: like kick over an old pile of garbage and cause the property value to fall even lower than jack shit
DAVE: i say let her go nuts
ROSE: Feel free to take it up with Kanaya.
ROSE: But if you authorize her to flip a bitch, just make sure she's nowhere near my chemistry table.
DAVE: cant be droppin your vials and shit all over the floor
DAVE: the only one whos got clearance to drop science is me
DAVE: dont even hate
DAVE: been shoring up my muthafuckin CRAFT over here
ROSE: I know. I've been in the same room, right over there, listening to you mumble lyrics to yourself for the last couple hours.
DAVE: rose you know what sucks
ROSE: To which sucky thing are you referring?
DAVE: it kinda just occurred to me
DAVE: while i was spitting ill verse to no end
DAVE: i got this weird feeling that i might be getting like
DAVE: a little dated?
ROSE: Is this about Terezi?
DAVE: no no
DAVE: dont be disingenuous word girl you know what im saying
DAVE: i mean sorta passe
DAVE: like a lumbering pop reference dinosaur
DAVE: remember we are both kind of stuck in 2009
DAVE: so im like popculturally frozen in that period
DAVE: all my references feel like they might be getting a little stale
DAVE: even though the earth ended and all and there was no culture after that point anyway
DAVE: but still
DAVE: i can feel it
DAVE: like in my bones
DAVE: i just know on some hypothetical earth that kept going my shit is starting to get so lame
DAVE: and i know it doesnt matter because its just us here so who cares
DAVE: but i care
DAVE: its a matter of integrity i am a fucking artist
DAVE: like i think if i make one more rap about like some fucking dane cook movie from 2008 to piss karkat off or some tired bullshit like that im going to
DAVE: i dont know
DAVE: ill just start feeling like a fraud
DAVE: my game might be drying up rose
DAVE: but its not my fault like im totally hostage to this freezedried backlog of cultural garbage that can never move forward again
DAVE: so i have to pick through it like im looting a fucking tomb while still all tryin to act RAP SASSY
DAVE: like YEAH take THAT motherfuckers
DAVE: OF THE PAST
DAVE: all in your mass graves somewhere in a dead frogiverse
DAVE: i be representing some god damn STANDARDS about your media do you feel me
DAVE: im depressing myself here
DAVE: all im saying is it would be cool to have some fresh shit to work with
DAVE: like just to know
DAVE: to know what the world would be like in the year it would be for us now
DAVE: which would be 2011 i guess
DAVE: wow 2011 really
DAVE: i just want to know what would have happened
DAVE: theres so much shit we were primed for
DAVE: it was gonna be exciting
DAVE: like barack obama just turned president remember that
DAVE: we never got to see if he fixed the economy
DAVE: remember how you were dying to see if he would fix the economy you were asking me about it every damn day
DAVE: just joking nobody gave a shit about that
DAVE: but like
DAVE: i never got to check out the next batch of stiller jams and see how bad i could mock them
DAVE: we never got to find out how the midnight crew adventure ended
DAVE: if ever
DAVE: what the fuck man
DAVE: whyd you go back to your bottles and shit i was right in the thick of hella elocution
DAVE: dont give me that
DAVE: uh yeah
DAVE: yes i do ACTUALLY want you to come back over here
DAVE: im waiting
ROSE: Fine. Here I am.
DAVE: wow was that so hard
DAVE: this is what civilized people do rose they fucking talk to each other like actually in each others fucking vicinities
ROSE: You just have a tendency to go on for a while. I assumed we progressed to the traditional mumbling monologue stage of Striderian discourse.
DAVE: no thats not even a thing
DAVE: i was actually like
DAVE: trying to get your take
ROSE: Take on what.
DAVE: i dont even know
DAVE: i bet john would have stuff to say
DAVE: hes probably going through the same frozen fucking caveman from 2009 syndrome as me
DAVE: actually what am i saying the dude is a caveman from 1997
DAVE: hahaha like he could give a shit as long as hes got his cage dvds
ROSE: Oh! I saw him the other night.
ROSE: In a dream. It was very brief, only a few minutes. I waved to him and then woke up.
DAVE: whoa what was he doing
ROSE: He was fighting Jack. Actually, he was doing quite well!
DAVE: oh man
DAVE: you have to tell me all about this
ROSE: I will. Later, though. I'd like to get back to work.
DAVE: ok when
ROSE: I have plans tonight. How about tomorrow.
DAVE: what plans
ROSE: Just some plans.
DAVE: can i come
DAVE: fuck fine
DAVE: tomorrow then
DAVE: maybe ill just dream up my own john tonight and well have an awesome time without you what do you think about that
ROSE: Not to harp on the issue, but,
> Be Kanaya
ROSE: Now that you can switch on and off, so to speak, how often do you think you'll resort to phosphorescence?
KANAYA: I Dont Know
KANAYA: What Do You Think
ROSE: Well, which state is more comfortable?
KANAYA: I Could Go Either Way
KANAYA: Ill Probably Switch On If Im Walking Through A Dark Corridor
KANAYA: Now That I Think About It
KANAYA: Its Been A Long Time Since I Could Even Be In The Dark
KANAYA: Maybe Ill Leave It Off For A While And Refamiliarize Myself With The Experience Of Nonillumination
ROSE: Makes sense.
ROSE: Was this a biological feature common to other trolls?
ROSE: I'm sorry. I'm really pestering you about this, aren't I?
ROSE: We've never talked about it. I guess I was trying to be polite, but I've been really curious about it.
KANAYA: No Thats Ok
KANAYA: Im Told Its A Trait Confined To Those Of My Caste
KANAYA: They Tended To Spend A Lot Of Time In The Brooding Caverns Where A Convenient Source Of Light Was Often Handy
KANAYA: That Part Of It Makes Sense To Me But I Have No Idea What The Evolutionary Purpose Was For The Sort Of Thirst Which Accompanies This Perk
KANAYA: Strikes Me As An Odd Liability But What Do I Know
ROSE: Maybe to frighten predators away from innocent grubs?
KANAYA: Or Perhaps It Was A Measured Defect Imposed On Us
KANAYA: To Keep The Auxiliatrices On A Short Leash
ROSE: I'll agree with that assessment, on the grounds that I've always been a sucker for a good conspiracy theory.
KANAYA: The Condition Was Often Glamorized In Certain Works Of Literature
KANAYA: But Theres Really Nothing That Great About It
KANAYA: Not Nearly As Useful As Other Abilities Like The Psychic Gifts Which Some Lowbloods Are Predisposed To
KANAYA: Though I Guess Its Pretty Useful If You Want To Keep The Plans You Made After Someone Punches A Hole Through Your Gut
ROSE: I can see how that could present a whole world of convenience.
ROSE: Speaking of plans, doing anything later?
KANAYA: Not Really
ROSE: I'm working on some stuff right now, but later, maybe once you're finished escorting your guest around, would you like to do something?
KANAYA: Anything In Particular That You Have In Mind
ROSE: Not really. Just to hang out. If you're up for it!
KANAYA: Yeah That Sounds Okay
MEENAH: (holy mackerel get a fuckin room)
- * take the exit at the far west to another room...
- * exposition booth time
> Status report.
> Tell me about Rufioh Nitram.
MEENAH: im a total failure
MEENAH: didnt recruit a single ghost for my army
MEENAH: except for one guy but he was asleep
ARANEA: Don't lose hope! I know our group of friends is a 8it lackluster in the motivation department, 8ut there are plenty of other souls out there.
ARANEA: You just need to find someone with the right amount of moxy to get you started. Then I'm sure more will follow.
ARANEA: Who knows, if you keep exploring, may8e someone like that will 8e right around the corner!
MEENAH: you seem more psyched about my army plan than you did before
MEENAH: whats with the change of tuna
ARANEA: I've started to 8elieve that what you're doing may 8e important. Just a feeling.
ARANEA: It could 8e every 8it as critical as my quest to find the cheru8. I think it all could 8e related. Like legs of a stool that won't stand unless all are in place.
#Or, prongs of a fork, if you will.
MEENAH: how is cherubquest goin btw
ARANEA: Uh... ok.
ARANEA: I've still 8een........ a little preoccupied.
MEENAH: girl please
MEENAH: you been draggin your talking booth around to hassle people with facts aintcha
ARANEA: This is my last session, I swear!!!!!!!!
ARANEA: After this, I promised myself I would retire the exposition stand for good. May8e I'll put it up for sale, and try to recoup some of the su8stantial losses required to operate it.
MEENAH: aranea we are such failures at stuff together
MEENAH: why are we such a couple of gorgeous and sexy failures at things
ARANEA: I don't know, 8ut we can't give up!
ARANEA: Once I close down shop here, I will redou8le my efforts to find that cheru8.
ARANEA: The first thing to do will 8e to figure out her name. It's 8een so maddeningly elusive, almost as if someone's taken care to scru8 any reference to it throughout paradox space, whether in memories or reality.
MEENAH: ok then how about this
MEENAH: while im out there fishin for recruits ill keep an ear out for clues about her
MEENAH: and while youre out there cherub hunting maybe you can see if anyone wants to serve the lil condesce in her slammin new imperial army
MEENAH: itll be
ARANEA: That sounds like a great plan!
ARANEA: Now let's hurry this up so we can get started on that. What would you like me to tell you a8out in exchange for the precious few 8oon8ucks I have left?
ARANEA: The Rogue of 8reath was always a very popular mem8er of our group. Pro8a8ly the most popular, I'd say. Sort of the anti-me, in that respect. Ever the recipient of romantic solicitations whichever way he turned. Sort of the anti-Cronus, in that respect.
> Tell me about Horuss Zahnak.
MEENAH: aw yeah sick ampora burn outta nowhere hi 5
ARANEA: Indeed. His mutation made him an outcast, though. To avoid the unwanted attention his wings would 8ring him, he took refuge in the forest among those who welcomed his differences, and learned their ways.
ARANEA: The Lost Weea8oos was a guild of youthful tree-dwelling troll otakus with a zeal for fisticuffs, flight, and various forms of exotic eastern theater. 8ane to the enemies of hijinks, scourge to the seafaring classes who...
MEENAH: NOT LISFININ TO T)(IS LA LA LA GLUB GLUB GLUB
ARANEA: (GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB) centuries of feuding with the Kemonomimi tri8es (GLUB GLUB GLUB LA LA LA LA GLUB GLUB GLUB) ceremonial torchlight yaoi festivals (LA LA LA LA GLUB GLUB LA LA LA) tsundere quadrant vacillation (GLUUUUUB GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB GLUUUUUUUUUB) threw down a daggerlance to challenge the guild's high seme for dominance (NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO) ultimately served like a shonen on Shitsuji Island.
MEENAH: hey serket
MEENAH: how much i gotta pay you to zip yer blowhole on this shit so tight you never bring it up again
ARANEA: For such a service, I will require nothing short of the large gold statue in your palace. I think you know which one I'm talking a8out.
MEENAH: you drive a hard bargain serks
MEENAH: but you got a deal
ARANEA: The Page of Void was a self taught master of mechanics, an avid patron of the fine arts, a passionate 8ody 8uilder, archer, am8rosia collector and steamwright. A poet, a scholar, a warrior, a lover, he was all that his caste demanded and more. A true troll Renaissance man. His name means "He Who Stalks With The Muscle8easts."
> Tell me about Damara Megido.
ARANEA: 8ut all of his proficiencies were hard won, 8uilt from the 8lank slate as his aspect would imply, advancing at the slow pace his class would as well. Yet in spite of all he worked to make something of himself, he amounted to very little. Responsi8le for neither great feats of heroism nor acts of villainy, he was just another game piece to 8e moved a8out the 8oard. The aspect ruling his life would always conspire to dampen his relevance.
ARANEA: Void is easily the most mysterious aspect, the one which inherently defies rational understanding. This makes it particularly fascinating, and just as frustrating, to light players such as myself. Casting illumination upon nothing itself is futile. For to truly know void is to paradoxically cause it not to 8e!
ARANEA: The role of the void player is to somehow em8race nothingness, to 8ecome one with it. And yet in total contradiction with this, to make use of the power it grants and serve a role of relevance, one must find a way to overcome it! To see the limitless potential in the void. To find everything within nothing, and 8ring it into 8eing.
ARANEA: This is a perfect case in point, regarding the path of the void player. So resistant is his story to having a relevant 8earing on anything, you fell asleep and didnt hear a word.
MEENAH: yeah thats nice
MEENAH: WH-ER-E MA MON-EY
ARANEA: You don't get any. Your slum8er voided the transaction.
ARANEA: The Witch of Time was not always the party's 8iggest trou8lemaker. If you recall, you wore that tiara for a long time. ::::)
MEENAH: yeah yeah
ARANEA: Once she was as meek as can 8e. Hailing from the eastern provinces, she migrated across the seas and settled near the forest concealing Rufioh's guild. The two of them 8ecame quite fond of each other, and shared many interests!
ARANEA: He secretly 8egan seeing someone else, 8elieving she knew nothing. 8ut she always suspected his infidelity, and over time grew quite distraught. 8ut her sadness never quite turned to rage and malevolence. Not until you... involved yourself.
MEENAH: ugh do we really have to go through this
ARANEA: If you'd like to earn your money, then yes!
MEENAH: bleh fine
ARANEA: After we 8egan our game, you quickly determined that winning was going to 8e an uphill 8attle with our team. Everyone was so preoccupied with their interpersonal issues, and no one seemed in any shape to 8e fighting major 8attles. Sound familiar?
MEENAH: deja vus a bitch serk
ARANEA: So you did your 8est to rile up the crew any way you could. Appealing to peoples insecurities, 8uried hostilities, 8rewing rivalries... needling anyone you could into confrontation with others. Your theory was that increasing everyone's state of aggression would make them 8etter equipped to play the game. And you were sort of right a8out that! 8ut the Alternians would prove it. Not our group, sadly.
ARANEA: The poor girl who took the 8runt of your 8ullying tactics was Damara Megido. You talked up her matesprit's 8etrayal making her feel even more dreadful, while pushing him further into the arms of her rival, until she simply snapped. She attacked him, paralyzing him from the neck down. You finally got the aggressive confrontation you were looking for. Unfortunately, you unleashed something even you weren't prepared for, and you had to deal with her yourself. After a long 8loody duel, she killed you. And you would have stayed dead if not for me!
ARANEA: You never listened to me. You just kept needling and fussing and meddling until eventually you paid the price, and I had to 8ail you out.
MEENAH: (arg how bad do i even want this stupid money...)
ARANEA: Damara has 8een unhinged ever since. 8y increasing her violent tendencies, instead of 8eing an asset in the game, she 8ecame a loose canon, ar8itrarily showing up at key moments throughout the timeline to sa8otage us.
ARANEA: So radical was her shift in personality, I've had a hard time 8elieving your incitement was solely to 8lame. It always seemed like other forces were in play, as if her acts, though apparently haphazard, were in keeping with some inscruta8le agenda. Of course it doesn't help that it's so hard to understand her even on a good day.
ARANEA: Strangely, the only time she was eager to help us was when we were preparing to initiate the Scratch. And it's a good thing she was, since I'm not sure anyone else would have had the a8ility to do that kind of damage to the Cardinal Movement and release its energy.
ARANEA: It was almost a little eerie how happily she complied with our plan. What did Rufioh say she said? Something a8out how we would all finally get what we deserved...
ARANEA: Which at the time, I thought sounded chilling. 8ut there's really two ways of looking at it. One is how the Scratch re8ooted our world into a state of pure chaos, culminating in the annihilation of our universe. 8ut on the other hand, we all got the chance to live out our wildest fantasies as adults on Alternia!
ARANEA: At least you and I sure did. And I wouldn't dou8t she feels the same way.
MEENAH: we done?
ARANEA: That's it!
MEENAH: toughest 5 bucks i ever made
- * chest
You got an ALTERNIAN JOURNAL!
It's a bit wordy. Though some of the material here strikes you as pretty risque. Actually... quite a lot of the material.
You surreptitiously pocket the overwrought diary for later reading.
- * go west to the final room...
- * chest to the north west
You got a BROKEN 8 BALL!
You remember seeing a bunch of these earlier. What was the context again? You just had so many long weird conversations it's all kind of a jumble now.
You feel unlucky just looking at this thing. You toss it in the bushes.
- * south across the bridge, another chest
You got the FLUORITE OCTET!
Feeling lucky, punk????????
- * north-west across the bridge, another two chests
You got a pair of ROCKET BOOTS!
What would a ghost need with rocket boots, anyway? Can't all ghosts fly?
Or maybe that's just dead god tiers, who can generally fly anyway. Or dead dream selves? Actually you don't know what the flying rules are and you don't really care.
You got a HEAP OF PRICELESS TREASURE!
Huh. Actual treasure, inside a treasure chest.
Now you've seen everything.
- * south across two bridges
- * who's that behind the rock...?
> This guy again?
HUSSIE: Oh. It's you. Scram kid!
MEENAH: hey orange dude
MEENAH: tell me your deal already
HUSSIE: I said get lost Feferi!!!!
#Do. Not. Fuck with me.
HUSSIE: Alright. I see what's going on here. You clearly have developed feelings for me. I understand. I led you on.
HUSSIE: Remember when I said bring me a horse and I am yours forever?
HUSSIE: Total lie!
HUSSIE: Sorry, but my heart is still set on Vriska. She will be my wife.
MEENAH: whos vriska
HUSSIE: That girl over there. No, don't look! Shhhhhhhhhh. Let's try to keep it down, ok? You're going to ruin this for me.
MEENAH: dog aint she a little young for you
HUSSIE: No, but that's the thing! She's spent like however many years being a ghost, so she's older now! That means it's not creepy.
HUSSIE: Who even knows how many years she spent here? Maybe 100??? Hell, she might even be older than me now! See? Totally not creepy anymore. Case closed!
MEENAH: i dont know what yer talkin about but you sound like an asshole
HUSSIE: Just need to find the right moment to make my move. Only problem is, I lost the ring.
HUSSIE: John FUCKING Egbert has it. Doesn't look like he's gonna let it go either, the bastard.
HUSSIE: Gotta make a plan. Think, imagination, think. Argh, the one time I really need you!
MEENAH: yo i got boatloads a bling
MEENAH: i could sell you a ring
HUSSIE: You could??? Oh man, perfect. How much?
MEENAH: $2,485,506 pledged of $700,000 goal
HUSSIE: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.
HUSSIE: What makes you think I've got that kind of dough just lying around?!
MEENAH: thats my price pumpkin skin you want the ring or not
HUSSIE: Alright. Fine. Guess I've got no choice but to pony up.
HUSSIE: Just... don't tell anyone, ok? I kind of promised I would use this money for something else.
MEENAH: none ma biz homes deal or no deal
HUSSIE: Yeah. Here.
MEENAH: awwwww yeah check them mad staxx
MEENAH: here you go loverboy
HUSSIE: Is this ring...
HUSSIE: Did you steal this...
HUSSIE: From Cronus?
MEENAH: fo sho
MEENAH: NO R-EFUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- * head toward Vriska, Tavros and John
This leads to the end of the game. Are you sure you're done here?
- * some secrets before the Serkets... go all the way back to Damara in the first area...
> Be Damara
- * now we can go through the door that Kanaya left open
- * first, visit the hornpile
> What have we here?
> It's Terezi!
TEREZI: H3Y D4MZ!!!!
TEREZI: 1F YOU GO 4NYWH3R3 N34R H1M, 1 W1LL FUCK1NG K1LL YOU!
- * now go to the rug area
> Talk to Dave.
> Talk to Rose.
DAVE: who the fuck are you
DAVE: dont think you belong in here
DAMARA: I VERY HAPPY.
DAMARA: MEET HUMAN.
DAMARA: SAY MUCH DELIGHT.
DAVE: meh you seem harmless enough
DAVE: what do i even care
DAVE: go fuck some shit up japanese schoolgirl troll
ROSE: Hello. I don't think we've met.
ROSE: You seem confused. Are you lost?
ROSE: Maybe you shouldn't be wandering around here.
DAMARA: PLEASE. APOLOGY.
DAMARA: NOT WANT. DISTURB YOU.
ROSE: Aw. You seem so sweet.
ROSE: Please, feel free to stay as long as you like.
- * now go to the exposition booth and say hi to its new owner
> SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HUSSIE: Damara!!! What the hell are you doing this deep into the game! Good grief, you are such a teen delinquent. I never should have let you out of Doc Scratch's pervert chamber in the alternate universe.
> Hey, before we start...
HUSSIE: WHOOPS, nooooooooo no no no.
HUSSIE: I'm not gonna let you respond. You're just going say something totally filthy in Japanese again and make everyone uncomfortable.
HUSSIE: WHOA CUT THAT OUT!
HUSSIE: Sheesh. I guess this is what happens when you don't have a proper upbringing by a decent guardian. Or at least one who isn't a four foot tall asshole in suspenders, who's kind of like a creepy puppet uncle.
HUSSIE: Look, let's all just chill out here. No more lewd Asian shenanigans, got it?? You may notice I bought a new franchise recently.
HUSSIE: Cost me a fortune! I had to pawn a ring that used to belong to some dirtbag just to make the down payment.
HUSSIE: But I should be able to recoup the losses, if I just tweak the business model a little. Hear me out. Instead of giving people money to listen to my shit? I think I might actually start CHARGING people for the service. Crazy, I know, right?
HUSSIE: I've been thinking of dividing up my offers into a series of handsomely priced explanation bundles called EXPOSITION PAKS where I would...
HUSSIE: Oh kaaay, guess you're not down with that?
HUSSIE: What would you pay for an explanation? Want to make an offer?
HUSSIE: Yeah you're not gonna pay me a goddamn penny, are you.
HUSSIE: Ok fine. I'll give you these explanations for free. Let's call it a loss leader. You'll tell your friends, maybe they'll tell their friends, then the dead presidents start rolling in.
HUSSIE: Yes? Yes???
HUSSIE: Aw fuck it. Just tell me what you wanna know.
HUSSIE: But just a heads up, these stories are gonna be pretty shitty! I ain't no light player.
HUSSIE: Did you get here with Damara before you got here with Meenah? If you did I think I'm going to flip my shit. That is one cracked way of going through this game. Stop talking to me right now and go come back as Meenah.
> Tell me about Damara Megido.
HUSSIE: You want me to tell you about YOU??? Talk about self absorbed, but alright.
> Tell me about Mituna Captor.
HUSSIE: You say stuff in Japanese, and when people who actually speak Japanese read it they probably laugh because the Japanese is so shitty. Sorry to burst your bubble Damara but the things you say started out in English, went through the google translator, and then out again so that it vaguely makes sense when translated back to English. So you aren't really authentic troll Japanese, you're fake troll Japanese.
HUSSIE: Whoa don't kill the messenger! Relax. Everyone thinks you're great. In fact, there's probably someone out there RIGHT NOW drawing some weird porn of you.
HUSSIE: Mega Man Sollux has some problems. He falls down and stuff and talks on a 4chan background, because of 4chan. But in spite of that, he's brave and does his best and everyone loves him. Also no one can read a damn thing he says. His quirk is the least legible of all quirks, with Damara's coming in at a close second.
> Tell me about Rufioh Nitram.
HUSSIE: With apologies to Dante Basco. Dante, I'm sorry about this. All of this. I am so, so sorry. You were leading the regular, modest life of a Hollywood superstar, then this shit happened. Everything is broken forever. I liked your work in The Last Airbender. You know what's funny is how there are probably some people who are reading this right now who have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. But you know what? What the FUCK else is even new.
> Tell me about Kankri Vantas.
HUSSIE: Anyway. Bangarang, dude.
HUSSIE: Did you know: it is a Homestuck fact that 99 percent of all readers didn't read or care about anything Kankri said. So in other words, he is exactly like all terrible social justice bloggers. Some social justice bloggers get angry at the joke that he is, but those are the terrible ones, and being terrible is why they get angry. They want to be terrible in peace without being mocked. That is what it is like to be a justified target of ridicule. You feel sad and angry all the time and you don't know why.
> Tell me about Meulin Leijon
HUSSIE: Kankri wears a cute red sweater and is otherwise fairly adorable. Porrim acts like his mom which is also cute as hell.
HUSSIE: Meulin is the deaf Nepeta in this kickass smorgasbord of disabled characters. She speaks in ASL to say memes which are called mimes because it's one letter away and therefore a play on words. But you can't actually use ASL to say animated tumblr gifs, you can only say words. She otherwise reads lips, which is funny because her bff sewed his damn mouth shut so they just sign memes to each other all day while stoned. It is implied that they smoke catnip together, as if it were marijuana, which is an especially amusing notion to people who like drugs. Moving on??
> Tell me about Latula Pyrope.
HUSSIE: Latula is the gamegrl to Mituna's gamebro. Gamebros and gamegrls aren't really "types of people" so much as they are hollow cliches which are patronizing to multiple groups of people on multiple levels. So in other words, perfect attributes for some 1.5 dimensional NPC-caliber characters stocking a fun jrpg style walkaround game. Wait what was I talking about? Oh yeah Latula.
> Tell me about Porrim Maryam.
HUSSIE: Latula's so rad but she can't smell. I think I agree with Karkat, that's not a disability. That's just like having a cold all the time, but without any actual symptoms or problems. Who cares. Latula likes to high five people all the time, but doesn't like to be left hanging. That's a pun, because Redglare liked to hang people with nooses. Mindfang ultimately left Redglare hanging that way too. I'm explaining jokes here. What? I told you these stories would suck. You get what you pay for.
HUSSIE: Porrim is better at social justice than Kankri because she isn't a boring asshole. Some social justice people should try looking into that. Porrim wants there to be equality for ladies. Not everybody cares about that though, which makes it hard for people like Porrim. That's the way it is in the real world. CHALLENGES. But in any case, she is a vampire with cool tattoos. End of story.
> Tell me about Aranea Serket.
HUSSIE: Aranea is a blabbermouth, just like Mindfang. She says long things both as a teen and as a sexy pirate adult that make people ask what am I even reading? It's about time I took over this exposition stand. The way I describe shit is a million times better. She sure charged me enough for it. God I took a bath on this thing. Why was it so expensive??? IT'S MADE OF FUCKING CARDBOARD.
> Tell me about Horrus Zahhak.
HUSSIE: This dude is just Equius on horse steroids. The end.
> Tell me about Kurloz Makara.
HUSSIE: He chewed off his tongue and sewed his mouth shut because he's a weirdo in cahoots with Gamzee and English. Who even knows what they're up to. It's probably just a lot of stupid bullshit. Meaningless, clownish nonsense. Want to know why they're assembling the wicked ensemble? They probably just think it's funny. Kurloz speaks in bones when he does his clown hypnosis shit but otherwise he mimes everything because get this: he's pretty much literally a mime. Also a juggalo. Because that's exactly what Homestuck needed. Another fucking juggalo. Homestuck needed another juggalo like it needed...
> Tell me about Cronus Ampora.
HUSSIE: Well, another twelve trolls I guess.
HUSSIE: Cronus is the worst character in Homestuck by a nautical mile. Any questions?
> Tell me about Meenah Peixes.
HUSSIE: Meenah is kind of throwing a bone to the pisces people who got stuck with Feferi. Feferi didn't really do anything and then she died. Meenah is a cool sassy punk who has more important stuff to do than Feferi ever did. You just spent like the last three hours playing through these games from her POV so obviously you know that. You're probably sick of fish puns by now. After a while you start running out of fish puns. You can overdo it with fish puns, much like you can overfish the ocean. You start literally running out of fucking fish. Be careful out there.
HUSSIE: Meenah discovered that raising and army is hard. But you know what's really hard? What's really hard is making games. Games disguise the effort that go into them probably like few other crafts. In order to make a game that is even slightly better than mediocre, someone probably had to die in the process. Like building pyramids. Nobody actually died while making these games though, hence they were just ok. But still if you add up all the work done collectively on these last three games, it probably was comparable to the manhours that went into [S] Cascade. You know what that is? That's a silly ass fact.
- * go west as Damara for a shortcut back to the first room. You can go complete the game as Meenah now if you like.