Use ARROW KEYS (or WASD KEYS) to walk. SPACEBAR to attack. Hold SHIFT while attacking for dual-wielding. HOLD SPACEBAR to charge mangrit. Press Z to expend boypluck. Press X to open sylladex, ARROW KEYS to navigate, SPACEBAR to select.
Drawin' and writin' and stuff by Andrew. (DUH) Programming by Alexis Beingessner. (damn he is good) Additional art assets by Cindy. (hooray!) Music: \Doctor\ written by George Buzinkai, remixed by Michael Vallejo and Clark Powell. (round of applause)
Restart? Y/N YES NO
Yep. That's right.> It's nice to meet you, John.
John isn't directly cognizant of your greeting, but I'm sure he would feel likewise.> Ok, John. Let's explore this place!
Ok, have at it! If you're at a loss, click the controller button up there.
Put something in? [Y/N] YES NO
"Look at this! Another Cherished Idol profaned! Such sacrilege has become commonplace with the recent glut of Underlings. It would bring a tear to my eye if I were not so clearly fit to be tied with these hyperactive mannerisms and severe attention deficit oh my god look a bug."
Looks like the imps made short work of it. Or judging by the damage to the stone, probably something bigger. Man these guys must really hate frogs.
"I am freaking out here. Do you know what this is??? It is a huge log of Cruxite. More than I have ever seen. It is the most precious material in existence. Why if I had access to a means of producing an unlimited supply, I would be the richest salamander in the Land."
"Just kidding. It's completely worthless. Here, you want it? It's free."
"This thing right here? You have never seen a Parcel Pyxis? Incomprehensible! Ok I'll play your pretend game for a minute. It is a receptacle connected to our network of Pipes. We use them to send stuff to different places. They are fully intertwined with our customs and social practices. If there is something we want, we chisel it on a Minitablet and drop it in. Who receives it? Hard to say! But if you encounter...
...a Minitablet and you possess what is chiseled on it, it is considered only polite to drop it in the Pyxis! Similarly, if you encounter a Parcel Pyxis that has a prize in it already, you are obligated to keep the prize for yourself! Consider it to be a gift to you from the Breeze. This is just the way things work...
Whenever one of us is standing near one of these, we feel compelled to give this little speech about it."
"The stars are moving? What do you mean? What are these things you call stars? Oh! You mean the Fireflies. They became trapped under the clouds when The Slumbering One cast a spell on them."
"How did he cast a spell on them when he was asleep? Well, he wasn't ALWAYS asleep, you goofball! When he was awake he was asked by some really terrible guys to commission a whole bunch of Underlings. He then went about befouling our land with all this sludge, clogging up all our beautiful Pipes, and now it can barely breathe. He was sort of a huge dick. Once he tuckered himself out with all that I guess he decided to take a nap."
"The terrible guys? They are a bunch of mean fellows who like to push people around. They are called Agents. They aren't usually a problem but they sure did put a spring in their step when the Heir showed up. Whoever that is. If I ever meet him I wouldn't mind punching him in the snout to... well, to accomplish some purpose I suppose. I don't know. What were we talking about?"
"Yes, the spell! The spell I'm sure you've heard from a reliable source cannot be broken unless The Slumbering One is first woken up, and then slain. Then the Breeze will again flow through the Pipes and the Fireflies will be released and allowed to go home. But I do not envy the adventurers who will presumably take on this responsibility!"
The Pipes are sacred to us for reasons you probably consider primitive and stupid. In fact, they probably are primitive and stupid, objectively speaking. But I am ok with that."
"As the Consorts of this Land we are predictably persecuted by dark forces, and require a hero for our salvation. Alas there is no hero in sight. Wait a minute it is you. You are the hero aren't you. Of course you are. I was so foolish to speculate otherwise through dubiously solicited monologue! DUHHHHHH!"
"Farmin' these goddamn mushrooms. Fuckin' pain in the ass."
"GLUB GLUB! Sure is windy here! Often, wind skims the voids of the Pipes, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered Parcel Pyxis. It is a lovely sound and brings back fond memories of my childhood. Which was a couple days ago."
"Not long ago all these Underlings started creeping out of the pipework, and they have been a nuisance to say the least. But just a few moments ago they began spilling from the Land in greater supply, wearing more flamboyantly preposterous outfits than ever. Why you ask? On account of a series of mysterious and arcane wytchkraft-majyspelles. Ha ha just kidding. I have no idea."
"GLUB!!! That's my way of saying go over there and check it out. 'GLUB' can basically mean anything I want it to mean. It's really cool having a bullshit language."
"GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB."
"GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB."
"Hey, nice suit, champ. I will buy it from you for 1 Boondollar."
Sell suit for 1 Boondollar? Y/N NO
"I should have known only a shrewd business man would wear such a garment. I have been chagrinned in ways I never imagined possible."
"Wanna buy this? It fell from Skaia. I guarantee it."
Buy harlequin figurine? Y/N YES
"Ok that will be 5,000,000 Boondollars. Oh what you don't have that much? Ha ha ha of course not no one does! It's impossible."
"Fine I'll just be over here sitting pretty with this choice clown thing or whatever it is. And you will be there wallowing in pitiable destitution."
"I am a secret wizard. Behold my robes."
Behold Robes? Y/N YES NO
You wonder what the hell a secret wizard is. This guy is making you a little nervous. You don't think you'll ask him for your bedsheet back.
"I have renamed myself Crumplehat. I have dishonored my ancestors beyond comprehension with this frivolous accessory."
You have deactivated your GHOST GAUNTLETS for the time being. It gets pretty distracting flailing them around all the time when all you're trying to do is explore.
Maybe you should try using your TELESCOPE here.
YO MAN THIS SURE IS A DOPE VIEW.
"That weird white boxy thing appeared up there a little while ago. Then it gradually became even boxier, and also taller. They say that's where the Heir lives. Who's they? Wise folk I guess. Maybe elders or something like that. Man I don't know. Also, isn't it funny how I'm sort of taking your existence here in stride? I'm treating it like it's no big deal."
You think you can make out a very faint noise below. Is it... snoring?
Exit? Y/N YES NO